'From Qatar and an independent school for girls' - about yourself

i want someone to help me in my essay please

introduction

My Name is Dana Jumaa. Im from Qatar.im a student in Rabaa aladaweya independent school for girl,and im in my last year of high school im going to tell you about myself and my goals.

Background
I was born in Doha the state of Qatar.My everyday Activities including going to school is reading,playing games and watching Television.
I started in Park House English school until grade 8,then i moved to moza bent mohamed secondary school and raba'a high school they are independent schools for girls. In Park House English School, I focused in learning English because it the most needed language in these times.my goals.since secondary school,is to study poltics and i've started loving the politics when I read about "Adolf Hitler" and wanted to get so deep in World War 1 then i realized that im loving the politics and watching and hearing the global issues that are still not solved making me want to know why and how it all started.I even loved the UNESCO,ROTA and much more I love helping poor people (relief) and making them happy its the most important goal in my life

Goals
hoping to get to know more in politics. and learn wishing to work in ministry of foreign affairs,ministry if interior,rota,unisco or anything smiler to these

need help in essay please

Hi Dana,


Introduction should be more attractive than what you wrote. The best way for making the introduction more interesting is to start it like a story. Imagine you are narrating the story of your life. Through the story introduce yourself and talk about your goals. Introduction is the first and most important part of an essay and it should be more catchy if you want to impress the reader.

About the "Background" part. Do not list the events. You mentioned your experiences and your activities one after another, without using any transition. As I said, try to narratively state the events and connect them to each other. In this way, you can make the essay more fluent and attractive for the reader.


Why do you like political issues? How could you find your interest in this field? Do you think you are talented in this field? If YES,why? These are the questions you should answer in this part of the essay.

If you agree with what I suggested, rewrite the essay and put it here again.

Regards
Ahmad

i know its mest up but i got scared i felt like it was the first time that i wrote an essay

about politics ( i just love )

I know, but you can lie. Is this essay required as a part of your application to a university/institute or scholarship program?? If yes, you really need to revise it