Hello, this is Matthew Minseok Kim from South Korea. It is a really awesome place to get critic about my essay. As a non-native speaker, I have sought the opportunity to improve my writing. I have no doubts that this web site would be a great asset for me to do that. It would be my pleasure to get your feedback about my logic as well as grammar. I hope you guys have a nice day. Thanks!
This is the writing for the Toefl Test and the question is that Having time alone is the most ideal way to relax and relieve stress
And I was asked the question 'Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.'
the way people relax today
It has been controversial for a long time about how people can relax and relieve their stress. Some people believe having time with others have more advantages than being alone since we are a social being who prefer to interact with one another. I partially agree with the opinion in terms of several benefits it can bring us, but I believe that the most ideal way to relax and relieve stress is having time alone since all kinds of stress eventually stem from our mind.
Having time with others is meaningful activities to refresh ourselves by sharing our concerns and communicating with others. In general, people have common instinct desiring to talk or listen to someone so that it would be effective to have a relaxing time. Nonetheless this advantage, it also stresses people. According to a research, what stresses people in a house and job is a relationship with others. In other words, most of the people get stress as well as help from others. That is why it cannot be the ideal way to relax.
Having time alone will help you manage your mind. In contrast having time with others, having time alone will be helpful to control your mind since it will locate you separated from outer situation or concerns. It is really difficult to change an environment which you are facing with, however, you can change your mind easily. According to Viktor Frankl, who was a famous psychologist and imprisoned in Auschwitz, mentions that he did not have any physical freedom in prison but could totally control his mind by himself. As he emphasizes the importance of mind, only our mind determine if it would be stress or not.
Having time alone will change people fundamentally. There are some types of people who always complain whatever they do. Regardless of the result or process, they are accustomed to doing it. Although they just complain about this habit to others, it shortly releases their stress but it will not last for a long time. However, if the person has an enough time to reflect himself/herself by having time alone, they can change their mind. Changing their mind is not easy but it is possible by their own decision. Most of the people experience to do that while having time alone.
To sum up, having time alone is the ideal way to release and relax time rather than being with others because it is useful to manage your mind as well as change people fundamentally. In this regard, I think that being alone is the best option of relaxation
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,511 3437
Matthew, a TOEFL essay test has only 5 paragraphs, with 5 sentences at a maximum for each paragraph. You overdid in your essay. You have 6 paragraphs and you never referred to personal information in your essay as required. You even went to the extent of doing research in order to refer to the studies done by Frankl. These are the major problem points in your essay. When you are asked to provide relevant examples and reasons, you need to refer to your popular culture knowledge and personal experience. Not research because you in the testing center, all the computers will be locked down to a WLAN. You won't find any exterior internet connection there. Also with 30 minutes to outline, draft, proofread, and finalize the content of your essay, even if you had the internet connection, you wold not have enough to do actual research. The examiners prefer personal experience information because this shows a more expanded example of your English comprehension and grammar skills when it comes to sentence development. You did not do a proper job in representing the prompt requirements in your essay so don't expect to receive a good score for this type of work if you choose to try and do it this way in the actual test.
Thank you for your advice. I will keep it in my mind. Next time, I will try to check the time limit and upload the draft version (I mean the essay I wrote for only 30 min). I appreciate your comment, Holt.