[TOEFL] A question about teacher`s remuneration

Hello :) I`m still going with the 30-minutes frame and I am starting to feel comfortable. Now I have some questions:
-when you read it, could you understand all of the sentences? Do I have overcomplicated paragraphs?
-Are you content with the examples I give? Are they appropriate and suitable?
-Do I have enough variety of sentence structure? I mean compounds, if-sentences and that stuff
-Is my dictionary rich and in the same time clear and easy to grasp
-last but not least - is my thesis fostered and clear

Well, I hope I`m not annoying with such questions. My essay here is not edited, for the sake of being as close to my performance in the exam day as I can.

98. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

There have been a lot of proposals about paying the teachers proportional to the amount of knowledge they teach to their students. Since it may seems fair on the first glance, after a deeper look it is becoming clear that such a practice could be harmful. It is my firm conviction that the money teachers receive should not depend on the learning abilities of their students. Let us proceed to examine the reasons.

First, I can remember how in the first grades there were certain kids with obvious learning disabilities. Our teachers gave them unceasing attention, even more than the attention other children received, but it was in vain. Although all the special attention they received, these kids just did not want to learn, nevertheless all the efforts of the teachers. In this case, I do not believe that the blame is to be found anywhere else but in themselves.

The other side of the coin is the example of students who are simply not interested in learning. I have from-the-trenches experience with that instance, because I have been one of them. No matter how hard my teachers tried to teach me something, I just did not want to learn. I went to school only because it was mandatory and I went trough the motions without really giving it much attention. Consequently, I had poor scores despite all the work and teaching I have been subjected to. It is beyond any doubt that my teachers could not have done better job, and my personal results are not the mirror reflection of their efforts.

Then we approach the matter of complication. Everybody knows that in some disciplines like Electrotechnics not all the students could get high grades. The material is too tough be understood by anyone. I can recall my Electrotechnics teacher in high school, who used to say that if you do not have inclination for that science, you will never do your best. Hence half of the class got low scores, but that in no way meant that he was not a good teacher. He did his job with great passion and the teachers like him deserve respective remuneration.

With all that has been said, it is not hard to conclude that paying teachers on the base of the knowledge of students is wrong. People are not equal, therefore one could learn better than another, but that should not be a measure of lector's qualities and a condition, determining his or her salary.

(30 min)

SinceAlthough it may seems fair onat the first glance, after a deeper look it is becomingwhen you think deeper it becomes clear that such a practice could be harmful. It is my firm convictionbelief that the money teachers receive should not be paid according todepend on the learning abilitieslevel of knoweldege acquired byof their students. Let us proceed to examine the reasons.

First, I can remember how in the first grades there werecertain kids in the first grades hadwith obvious learning disabilities. Our teachers gave them unceasingthe best care and attention, even more than the attention other children received, but it was in vain.AlthoughWith all the special attention they received, these kids just did not want to learn, nevertheless all the efforts of the teachers . In this case, I do not believe that the blame is to be found anywhere else teachers should be blamed but in themselves ------------------ In this paragraph I notice that you straight give the example to say why you think teachers should not be paid according to the knowledge they transfer to the children. However, I suggest you to state the reason and then give the example such as;

First, some children have learning disabilities that make them slower in acquiring knowledge. In such events, the teachers would be penalized if they are paid according to their students' performance. For example, I can remember...

Also, at the start you talk of learning disabilities of children. However, at the end it seems like these children were not keen to study. This makes the reader a bit confused as one has no interest in studies cannot be considered as a learning diability.

You can end the first paragraph this way, but if you want to have a very clear argument you can change this sentence so that it expresses your main idea about why you feel this way. Know what I mean? Instead of saying, "Let's look at the reasons," say, "The reason is _______________________.

Then, use the rest of the essay to explain the reason... especially the topic sentences.


Wow, very good. If you explained this at the end of the first paragraph, I think it would be a great way to sum up your main idea. Well, maybe not. Maybe I am wrong... it is good the way you are doing it, but make the last sentence of the first pargraph more meaningful.

This is really very high quality writing already. I probably already told you that. It's not overly complex, and it has great variation of sentence-structures...

In fact, I have already been told about using more confident expressions. When writing, I am still thinking in Bulgarian, and here is more appropriate to somehow imply your thesis, to veil it a little. Or at least I like that technique more. But from now on I am going to be as firm as stone when it comes to rephrasing main ideas of an essay.

I've used the last paragraph to restate and bolster the first. That is the scheme most of books suggest, so I am painstakingly sticking to it, lest it is determining for the score :)

What I like in contemporary American English is its simplicity. I've been reading a lot of books and articles, mostly on bodybuilding, and the language used is really everyday and easy to grasp. Essay examples in books are written in the same manner, even it is considered a disadvantage to use super-sophisticated sentences. On the other hand, I am reading now Kerouac's "On The Road" and I just can't leave the dictionary aside. So either I am on the wrong way and have come to wrong conclusions, or American English has become way more simple over the recent 50 years. Am I right?

Thank you :)

Essay examples in books are written in the same manner, and it is even considered a disadvantage to use super-sophisticated sentences. ----true!! Read Stephen King or Hemmingway, and you will see simplicity.

On the other hand, I am reading now Kerouac's "On The Road" and I just can't leave the dictionary aside. So either I am on the wrong way and have come to wrong conclusions, or American English has become way more simpler over the recent 50 years. Am I right?------No, it is not about the past 50 years. Some people are verbose, and other people are not. Some people communicate powerfully, and others try to feign intelligence by using overly complex language.

Keep it simple. :-)