The ratio of holidaymaker who visit Brighton attractions in England - IELTS Writing Task 1

Hi guys, I'm new here, I wish to improve my IELTS writing skills, please kindly share your feedback and suggestions by this essay to produce a good milestone ahead. Thanks again, cheers !!

Here the question:

The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton

My answer:

The graph presents the ratio of holidaymaker who visit Brighton attractions in England consists of four different common places: Art Gallery, Pavilion, Pier and Festival between 1980 and 2010, a 30 - year period. Overall, more people went to Pavilion as the most visited among the three remaining places, while the figure of Art Gallery showed reverse.

A further observation between 1980 and 1995 informed tourists who visit Pavilion increased significantly about 50 % in 1995. During the same period, Art Gallery climbed down the percentage after reach a 38 % in 1985 to 22 % in 1995. Similarly, Festival spot also occurred a slight decrease of 25 % in 1995 while the figure of Pier spot fluctuated between 10 % and 15 %.

In next future years by 2010, the percentage of Pavilion started to gradual decline from 50 % in 1995 to 31 % in 2010 as well as Art Gallery dropped the ratio into 8 % in corresponding period. However, the figure for Pier ended significantly toward important improvement of 22 % in 2010 and also there was no significant improvement by the figure of Festival ratio over the period as a whole.

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Akmal, Welcome to EssayForum :) All of us are here to help each other by doing peer-correction towards other members' essays. This is a remarkable place to enhance your writing skills by posting and correcting essays. I hope you can do your best to actively participate in this valuable website.

With regards to your essay, I notice that the first sentence seems too complicated and there are unnecessary details which should not be appeared. Mentioning 'four different places' is adequately presented the introduction well. Then, the second sentence is lack of transitional signal after 'Overall' which indicates that is an overview sentence, for instance 'it can be seen that' and 'it is noticeable that'. Next, you should be careful of writing a 'percentage' symbol. Percentage should be without any spaces, e.g. 50% not 50 %. Unfortunately, all percentage symbols that you write will be considered as 'errors', and therefore, it decreases your grammar and punctuation score. Lastly, the last sentence of your second paragraph also becomes a problem. When you put subject 'Festival', 'spot' is considered as a 'verb'. So, placing 'occurred' will make it redundant. It will be determined as verb confusion (double verb) which also back-lashing your grammatical score.

There you are Akmal, I hope you can follow through my feedback and mind the corrections above.

Cheers :)