Tai Lopez in TED Talk, presented that everyone desires to acquire a good life, but in the real life, some of them do not get a good life. Then he illustrated, how our lives today would be if the most successful people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Arnold Schwarzenegger and other famous people assisted us through their abilities in our daily activities. In addition, he asked audience how many changes that we could have done if they became our mentor. From his illustration, he narrowed down the importance of a mentor appearance in our life. This is because every person need a model role for their life and a mentor, who has power to transform our life with their ability. A moment later, he told about his journey to find his mentor through reading a book a day because in his opinions, books are treasure, and he continued to meet that people, learning about two parts of life; health and happiness in more than 51 countries.
Sari, your writing above is good; you are able to express your ideas orderly. This is the strength of your essay and you need to improve it during your next practice. However, it seems that there are several things to be considered, such as the use of punctuation mark; specifically the use of commas, and an issue with the lexical choice. Firstly, let's highlight the introductory sentence of your writing.
- Tai Lopez in TED Talk, (improper use of comma) presented that everyone desires to acquire a good life, but in the real life, some of them do not get a good life.
I have an alternate version of the above sentence as follows:
- Tai Lopez in TED Talk presented that everyone desires to acquire a good life, but not all people get it in the real life.
You used the word "good" in the original sentence which can make your essay looks less good. Try to avoid keeping use the same word over and over. You can use the synonym to overcome this problem. Also, don;t forget that practice more will make your writing better.
