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Krystal318 9 / 20 2  
May 6, 2019   #1

Parental Expectations and Aspirations for their Children

Nowadays parents put too much pressure on their children to succeed. What is the reason for doing this? Is this a negative or positive development?

High parental expectations on their children's performances are the burden that children suffer. Consequently, children's mental health and childhood would be damaged considerably.

The world is changing rapidly; as a result, all jobs require higher skills and knowledge; likewise, they are more challenging to adapt. Therefore, parents soon send their children to extra classes to master not only Maths but also gifted subjects such as piano, dancing ,... . However, it would be a waste of time because not every child born to be talented. Parents are likely to think they have responsibility for their children's career paths, so it is their duties to push children to learn everything now or else they can't achieve six figures jobs in the future.

Another reason comes from the media. Televisions and smartphones are great tools to spread successful stories of young people all over the world. Parents can easily realize the fact that succesful people have greater power and higher social status. They eventually hope their children could be succeed not only to secure future jobs but also be featured on the media and be respected by others.

As a consequence, children nowadays are under high pressure of their own parents and society. They are being compared to other better kids by their parents and even by themselves. That they always have to excel in every aspect causes them depression. Besides, children are losing their childhood into getting highest scores. Children's happiness and curiousity seem to be forgotten instead of being the priority.

To conclude, excessive parental aspiration is harmful to children's mental and physical growth. Parents must put themselves in theirs kids' shoes to fully understand how difficult it is to live up to the parents' expectations. Futhermore, it is essential to realize that children who suffer severe depression hardly become successful in life.
Changemaker 2 / 2  
May 6, 2019   #2
You need to restructure your essay. You wrote "to conclude" yet I saw "furthermore".Kindly remove the furthermore and replace it with lastly
Maria - / 1,098 389  
May 6, 2019   #3
What I immediately observed is the need to have more fluid transition words. It's not necessarily true that you have to have a transition word (however, therefore, etc.) after every sentence. You should try to construct your language with a more organic flow, creating a structure that would work with your content. What I mean when I say that transitions should be organic is that you should ask yourself if these are terms that you would naturally say if you are speaking these sentences out loud. Determining this is crucial in building your essay.

In addition, evade using unnecessary words when you are writing. Doing this will help you trim down and create a more concise and clear-cut structure.

Let's revise a couple of parts:

As the world is rapidly changing, jobs begin to require higher skills and knowledge. This makes it more difficult to adapt. This has led parents to send their children to extra classes to master both technical subjects and extra-curricular hobbies. However, this can be a waste of time as not every child is born talented. Parents think that they have the responsibility to their children's careers; therefore, it becomes their duty to pressure children in learning a multitude of subjects.


Notice how I had tried to either omit transition words - or rather, I incorporated them into portions of the text that actually need them. For instance, using therefore earlier in a sentence is often inappropriate because this term is supposed to indicate a a concluding remark; it fits better if you add it by the end of your thoughts.

Try to create more formal structures to better your essay. Best of luck.
OP Krystal318 9 / 20 2  
May 7, 2019   #4
Thank you very much!

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