IELTS task 1: reasons for either driving or cycling to work

ielts-exam.net/academic_writing_samples_task_1/1002/

The charts below show the reasons why people travel to work by bicycle or by car.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Commuting to work

The first pie chart shows the reasons why people cycle to work while the second pie chart represents the reasons why people drive to work. In general, the main reasons for driving to work are comfort and distance to work and the primary reasons for cycling to work are health fitness and less pollution.

Based on the first pie chart, health and fitness and less pollution account for 60% of total whereas reasons such as no parking problems, no costs and faster than driving represent only small proportion of total. Namely, faster driving and no costs make up exactly 25% of total and the rest belongs to no parking problems.

As for the reasons for driving to work, comfort and distance to work are the key ones. Reasons such as safer than cycling, need to carry things to work and faster than cycling are minor. Precisely, the reason called "safer than cycling" only accounts for 11% of total and reasons called" need to carry things to work" and "faster than cycling" represent 28% of total.

I am aiming for an 8 in IELTS writing.

@PeterBrown

Hi,

I think you have covered most of the points. However, I have a few suggestions:-

> "In general, the main reasons for driving to work ..."

This statement should ideally come at the end. Your essay has a very abrupt ending otherwise.

> "whereas reasons such as no parking problems..."
You need to mention the exact percentage to draw out a comparison. "small" is a very subjective word.

I have corrected some structural changes as I see fit:-

Hope this helps :)

Peter, next time, please upload the image of the chart with the essay as it is easier for us to make a comparison of your work against the illustration in that manner. Also, we are trying to avoid infecting our computers with viruses from outside and unverified sites. That is why the upload button is included in the text box. If you do not upload the image next time, I will no longer be able to review your essay due to your violation of forum policies.

As for your aim to get a band score of 8, you will not be able to do that with this particular essay. The reason you cannot do it is because you only wrote 175 words. You need at least 200 words to qualify for that band score consideration. At 175 words, you will not score more than a 5. The band score of 8 and above shows a consistent use of simple and complex sentences, advanced English vocabulary, and at the maximum of 5 complete, coherent, and cohesive sentences per paragraph.

I realize that you tried to model your response based on the sample response that you read. Rather than imitating the sample response to the letter, you should tried to do a better job than the sample essay. In my opinion, which my students have followed on their way to garnering a perfect 9 score during the actual test, the best format for the 2 illustration analysis essay is as follows:

Par. 1 - Type of chart, summarized information (type of data, how the data was acquired, and measurement style), discussion instruction, and trending statement.
Par. 2 - Outline of the information from chart 1 with specific percentage information presented for each criteria
Par. 3 - Same as above only using chart 2 information with the comparison information for the 14% similar information from chart 2.

The 3 paragraph minimum is sufficient enough to garner a score of 8 provided you properly represented the information in the paragraph. I already explained how you can do that in my previous statement.

You did a pretty good job with this essay though. It was informative enough but shallow in terms of discussion in relation to comparisons, lexical resource, expanded explanations. You need to present a better mix of simple and complex sentences as well. These are the reasons why you were not able to score higher than a 5 in my opinion. You have the potential to easily achieve the 8 band score if you just work on the points I mentioned above.