Hi Community, please feel free to comment/give suggestions to my response to the following independent writing task in Toelf.
PROMPT: Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?
Receiving the formal education at young age can benefits young population, as they will have more time to learn about social discipline, to hone their skills, and to find themselves. Nevertheless, is it really necessary to force young children to learn at a very early age? Some parents may agree to bring their children to school at a very early age. Others, however, argue that at a very early age, children should spend their time playing and have fun at home. To make a decision for the best of the children, these two viewpoints shall be compared as follows:
Unlike staying at home and playing with friends, going to school at a very early age ensures that students will more time to hone their academic skills. Some academic skills, such as linguistics, mathematics, music, requires high practising time, and these skills may not be taught by people in children's family. If they are at schools, children will not miss the chance to learn these skills, so as they can grow these skills naturally at very young age.
Also, play ground at schools serves the same purpose as the play ground at their home in developing young children, physically and socially. An additional point to spending time at schools is that not only these young children can have fun with their peers, but also they will learn to comply themselves with rules in schools; hence, rules in society. On the other hand staying at home, the children may learn to interact with their friends, but they may be lack of some disciplines which are not taught in their family. They may imitate improper language spoken by people in their family. They may not know how to manage their time to do their homework and having fun with friends. Also, staying at home, they may not know how to dress properly.
Fortunately, most of the kinder-garden schools these days provide learning environment that helps young children to learn with fun. Young children who are accustomed to going to school tend to have a more positive attitude toward learning. While, young children who stay at home may feel boring or may be scared away when they have to do academic stuff for the first time. Also, in the hand of school professionals, together with well-equipped learning tools, these early-age students have a better opportunity to find themselves. Meanwhile, if they were at home, their speciality may not be discovered by their parents who are busy with their jobs.
Throughout these comparisons, the school environment gives young children a better chance to develop themselves mentally and socially for their future, higher education. Thus, I agree that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Though staying at home young children can learn many skills from their family, going to schools ensures that these young children will learn this skills properly in the right hands without missing a chance to grow up as a child.
Hello Suwichaya, it is a good explanation for children formal education.
It will be better if you don't use same word again and again, avoid the repetition. I found that you deliver many time the phrase "very early age" in the first paragraph, also in the second and next paragraph. You can replace very early age with childhood, infancy, or the others word.
You also use the word skill many time, you could replace with other word such as capability, talent, or ability.
Suwi, the essay would have been acceptable had you delivered on all of the requirements of the prompt. The introduction was incomplete and not acceptable because you did not specify which side of the issue you agreed with. While you did professionally present both sides of the issue, your opening statement was not only weakened, but also left in error because you did not present your support for a particular point of view. That was a prompt requirement that should have been presented at the end of the opening statement.
Now, as for the rest of the essay, you spent so much time discussing the two points of view that, as Wahyutri said, the content became redundant. One simple example and discussion for each side would have been sufficient. The reason this happened was because you neglected to review the prompt and thus, learn that you should have saved one paragraph or so for the discussion of your opinion on the matter. As such, this essay would have suffered greatly in the final scoring process had this been an actual test.
Hi vangiespen, I am sorry for my previous OP(I did not make it in time), and Thanks for your suggestion.
In response to what you mentioned, which is
Suwi, the essay would have been acceptable ...
So I should change my first paragraph, by specifying my side right?
Suwi, you understood what i explained to you perfectly. That was one very good introduction to the topic that you wrote. The way that you developed the flow of discussion and your transition into your next paragraph was quite good. However, I would not suggest closing that paragraph with a colon because you will be discussing a number of paragraphs after that. Try to revise it to close as a simple sentence instead. You don't necessarily have to present the information in chronological order. Just write a clear transition sentence and that opening statement will be perfect :-)
Here is a tip for better essay writing. Always refer back to the prompt as you progress with writing your essay. There are times when you become more focused on a particular discussion in the essay so you begin to neglect the other aspects of the prompt. Checking the prompt as you complete your paragraphs will remind you if you missed something. That way you can adjust the essay content and ensure that you will have completed all of the requirements as you progress.
