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IELTS; How to reduce traffic in cities? Should it be by reducing the need for travel?


MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
May 21, 2013   #1
Could you guys help me correct my essay? Thanks in advance
The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Many people believe that traffic problems are directly linked to the high volumes of commuters who travel to work, schools and shopping as a part of their daily routine. While I personally agree with the necessity of reducing the traveling needs, I believe that this is not the solely approach to arrest the issue.

Apparently, the ever-increasing innovation of technological advancements has made it feasible for modern societies to apply this measure. Thanks to the invention of the Internet, today we do not face geographical and time barriers as we used to in previous eras. For example, a businessman can perform his transaction with one of his foreign counterparts without any difficulty though he is in a far away location or a different time zone.Likewise, it is applicable for learners to get access to lectures at the comforts of their houses. Simultaneously, online services have given way to a more convenient buying methods for consumers. In short, without having people travel to fulfill their daily tasks, the application of technology has had a positive impact on the cities' amount of traffic.

Nevertheless, there are other practical methods potentially addressing the traffic-related issues presently. The use of public transport provides a typical example. Cities' authorities can enhance the popularity of buses or trains by upgrading the quality of the service as well as promoting this means on television or radio station as well. If commuters are inclined to use these state-financed types of transport instead of private vehicles, not only will the traffic congestion be dealt with with but also people will still be capable of sustaining their social interactions as usual.

To sum up, I have to reiterate the importance of decreasing the demand for traveling from home to workplace, schools and shops to solve the current traffic situation. Besides, alternative solutions such as public transport systems could also result in satisfactory outcome.

Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
May 21, 2013   #2
I am sure you can present this idea much better... show some creativeness in your writing!

For instance, thanks to the introduction of the Internet, businesspeople are able to perform transactions with their foreign partners without any difficulties.

Thanks to the invention of the Internet, today we do not face geographical and time barriers the way we faced with in previous eras. For example, a businessman can perform his transaction with one of his foreign counterparts without any difficulty though he is in a far away location or a different time zone.

Overall, a good essay.... you write English very well :)
OP MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
May 21, 2013   #3
Thanks a lot for your recommendations!

Here is my corrected introduction:
It is generally believed that currently alarming traffic problems are directly linked to the high demand of commuters for daily primary tasks such as working and studying. As a consequence, should this chief culprit be cut down, then the major cities' traffic system will be effectively enhanced.

Is it any better?
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 21, 2013   #4
It is generally believed that currently alarming traffic problems are directly linked to the high demand of commuters for daily primary tasks such as working and studying.

This is much better than what you've written first. I'm sure Pahan too would agree. However, even this sentence sounds a bit too crowded. You use too many key words unnecessarily to tell a simple idea. What is more important is clarity and flow... if they go hand in hand, your writing would be admired by the reader;

Many people believe that traffic problems are directly linked to the high volumes of commuters who travel to work, schools and shopping as a part of their daily routine.

While I personally agree with the necessity of reducing the traveling needs, I believe that this is not the solely approach to redeem the circumstancearrest the issue .

... good expresssion.... However, "redeem the circumstance" is a wrong usage. You can redeem cash, points etc. and it means that you compensate with something for the past poor performance.


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