Hi Bayuwibowo, I noticed a number of grammatical errors in your essay. I'll be correcting it below. It mostly has to do with the grammar structure issues so it is easy to spot and revise. Here we go:
both pie charts illustrate the percentage of employee relationships.
- There is a numerical redundancy in this sentence. These and both signify plural forms so you can use one or the other in writing this sentence. Don't use both. I chose to use "These" instead of "both" because it is more formal sounding and therefore more academically acceptable.
The first chart
with the supervisor and the second chart indicates with their co-workers between 2005 and 2009.
- The first chart represents
the supervisor and the second chart indicates their...
it can be seen that the strong bond relation had dominated and on the other hand, poor relationship seen becomes the lowest percentages in both charts over a 4-year period.
- Overall, the strong bond relation dominated while the poor relationship...
To begin , the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years. It was in stark contrast to fair relationship it had only 6% in 2009 or dropped by 2% in the main time frame. While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.
- You don't need to let the reader know you are starting, just start. Omit "To begin" and use the word count for more important words. Try to avoid the use of word fillers.
- ... workers hada
very good... fair relationship had only... employees whodid
not answer (tense usage this should be in past tense because it already happened) ...
Next, between 2005 and 2009, the percentages of very good relationship with co-workers becomes a considerable higher, over than a half. Beside that, it also experienced a steady rose by 7%. Furthermore, people who work alone (did not have co-workers) had a lowest percentage virtually at 2% in 2009, while good relationship took the second highest place in a quarter over the period.
- Let me reword this for clarity and accuracy:Between 2005 and 2009 the percentages of a very good relationship between co-workers became considerably higher at more than half. Besides that, there was also a steady rise of 7%. People who worked alone had the lowest percentage at 2% in 2009 while the good relationship took the second highest place for that quarter period.
- You did not have to explain what you meant by people who work alone as that is self explanatory and easily understood.
Please take note of my advice regarding your grammar corrections should you wish to revise this essay and have it reviewed again. You did quite well with just a few problems that needed to be pointed out and corrected.