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IELTS TASK 1 - Relationships at work (with supervisor and co-workers)


Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 19, 2015   #1
These both pie charts illustrate the percentage of employee relationships. The first chart with the supervisor and the second chart indicates with their co-workers between 2005 and 2009. Overall, it can be seen that the strong bond relation had dominated and on the other hand, poor relationship seen becomes the lowest percentages in both charts over a 4-year period.

To begin, the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years. It was in stark contrast to fair relationship it had only 6% in 2009 or dropped by 2% in the main time frame. While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.

Next, between 2005 and 2009, the percentages of very good relationship with co-workers becomes a considerable higher, over than a half. Beside that, it also experienced a steady rose by 7%. Furthermore, people who work alone (did not have co-workers) had a lowest percentage virtually at 2% in 2009, while good relationship took the second highest place in a quarter over the period.



vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 19, 2015   #2
Hi Bayuwibowo, I noticed a number of grammatical errors in your essay. I'll be correcting it below. It mostly has to do with the grammar structure issues so it is easy to spot and revise. Here we go:

These both pie charts illustrate the percentage of employee relationships.

- There is a numerical redundancy in this sentence. These and both signify plural forms so you can use one or the other in writing this sentence. Don't use both. I chose to use "These" instead of "both" because it is more formal sounding and therefore more academically acceptable.

The first chart with the supervisor and the second chart indicates with their co-workers between 2005 and 2009.

- The first chart represents the supervisor and the second chart indicates their...

Overall,it can be seen that the strong bond relation had dominatedandon the other hand, poor relationship seen becomes the lowest percentages in both charts over a 4-year period.

- Overall, the strong bond relation dominated while the poor relationship...

To begin , the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years. It was in stark contrast to fair relationship it had only 6% in 2009 or dropped by 2% in the main time frame. While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.

- You don't need to let the reader know you are starting, just start. Omit "To begin" and use the word count for more important words. Try to avoid the use of word fillers.

- ... workers hada very good... fair relationship had only... employees whodid not answer (tense usage this should be in past tense because it already happened) ...

Next, between 2005 and 2009, the percentages of very good relationship with co-workers becomes a considerable higher, over than a half. Beside that, it also experienced a steady rose by 7%. Furthermore, people who work alone (did not have co-workers) had a lowest percentage virtually at 2% in 2009, while good relationship took the second highest place in a quarter over the period.

- Let me reword this for clarity and accuracy:
Between 2005 and 2009 the percentages of a very good relationship between co-workers became considerably higher at more than half. Besides that, there was also a steady rise of 7%. People who worked alone had the lowest percentage at 2% in 2009 while the good relationship took the second highest place for that quarter period.

- You did not have to explain what you meant by people who work alone as that is self explanatory and easily understood.

Please take note of my advice regarding your grammar corrections should you wish to revise this essay and have it reviewed again. You did quite well with just a few problems that needed to be pointed out and corrected.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Sep 19, 2015   #3
Although you have a very good opening paragraph, you failed to present a very clear overview. It's always better to write a 2-sentence overview. For this part, let me give a try; Overall, the data shows that while relationships with both supervisor and co-workers were very good in both years, these were recorded as by far the most significant proportion. In any case, both categories increased modestly.

- It was in stark contrast CHANGES INTO This is in stark contrast.
Although it is written in part period, you have to use present simple, since this shows general truth.

Overall, it is good, since Vangiespen has helped you a lot. All you have to do is finish writing this report in 20 minutes :D
shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Sep 19, 2015   #4
Let me add a few more suggestions, hope this helps :)

To begin, the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years.

1. workers who (whose refers to belonging)
2. a very good connection marked an increase (absence of articles)

While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.

You do not need to put a conjunction 'and' in this sentence. Simply use this formula: While SV, SV. OR SV while SV. So, better you write something like this: While the employees who did not answer the survey disappeared in 2009, poor relationships leveled off solely at two percent.

Good luck ~ Shinta
OP Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 20, 2015   #5
Thank you so much @Vangiespen , @Eddies and @Shintacandrade

this is really useful suggestion.

Let me learn a lot from you all :D

Regards-Bayu


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