Required activities for high schoolers: charity, neighbourhood improving, teaching sports to kids

IELST Writing Task 2: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working in a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

These days, many people believe that high schoolars should work in unpaid community service as a compulsory part of high school programmes. I also agree that it is important to gain responsibilities in early ages and students can get this by working.

By working, students can get many useful life skills. When I was young, I was working in a library. Although my job was only copying or printing some papers, I got the chance to know man people and overcame to being shy in front of people. I can tell that working as a teenager really helps to improve communication skills and become socially confident according to my experiences.

Besides getting comminication skills, students can learn the feeling of being responsible for something. When they see that they can manage, their self confident will improve and they will have the encourage to do many creative works instead of staying at home and playing computer games as many students do on these days. They will respect themselves when they notice that people are needed them. Also, they will be aware of difficulties of earning money and they will learn to spend money in an appopriate way.

The all skills that they get from working in early ages will be helpful for them in their future jobs. They will not only use these experiences to write in CVs, they will have a better chance to get jobs compare to their competitives who do not have working experiences.

In conclusion, I really hope the number of students who spend their time for effective things such as working in comminity services will increase.

Let me try..
Overall, i can catch your explanation. Yet, there are several points that you have to pay attention about it.


Notes :
1. Try to paraphrase the quotation. it'll be better, if you avoid repetation because it will effect to tour score.
" should work in unpaid community service as a compulsory part of high school programmes"
2. Including two points of view in this paragraph will be better, not only positive side but also negative side.
3. Try to make more than 2 senteces in this paragraph.

Hope this help..

Hello Haru, let me try to give some recommendations on your passage.
before, I agree with Abraham's statement for the first paragraph
o ya please add space among paragraph, so it can makes your writing enjoyable to read.


ok here my explanation solely in the second paragraph
you said you were child and you were working = the meaning you are still doing that until now which is started when you were kid

that is better if u alter "tell" with say

thanks, hope it can helps

This kind of work need to enhance reader impression by taking space(s) among the paragraph. With this way, examiner, is helped a lot to identify your essay structure, I mean, introduction, the bodies and conclusion.

Then, let me try to align some particular parts
Add some specific information


ex: When I was second grade...


,
By working, students can get soft skills such as confidence, responsibility and communication skill.


When they could handle their job responsibly, ...


This what I would suggest is avoid judgemental idea. We cannot judge majority students just stay at home and play games without any scientific data. So, I suggest to omit this part.

Despite some misspelling


| self confidence ,


| communication skills , I advice you to pay more attention on your intro and conclusion. I am afraid those are depicting recently is not fully answer the prompt. You have to fulfil task responses, unless, you are not intend to get higher score.

Hopefully this helps :)