As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and TV, people do less physical activity

people lack doing exercises

I have been practiced IELTS writing task 2 for a month. help me correct this essay bellow.

Topic
As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer
The inventions of many electronic devices such as the computer and television make people lack doing exercises resulting in their health. While some people agree with the idea that this development has affected people's health, I do believe that technology devices could bring more benefits to people.

On the one hand, overusing technology devices such as computer and television might affect human's health. As a consequence of using these gizmos too much, dozens of children probably have a problem with their eyes because of spending a considerable amount of time in front of the computer or television. They can also have an issue with their spine when getting older. Moreover, people maybe suffer from obesity due to enjoying snack and other fast food while working with computer in a very long time.

On the other hand, technology advances have several benefits which could help people's lives more conveniently. Firstly, the presence of a variety of devices is really useful in food technology. For example, with the support of the modern electronic devices, food analysts can examine whether the food is high quality enough to be imported into their country in order to protect their people's health. Secondly, people have the expectation to live longer due to the assistance of electronic gizmos in medical care. Finally, the appearance of fitness equipment has profound effects on people's health, they can do exercise in the gym with the support of the tools, and this way can help them keep fit.

In conclusion, my view is that the advancement of technology devices has created various advantages to make human life more comfortable, others think that it has a small scale impact on their health, though.

This is a measurement based opinion essay. As such, the prompt clearly requires you to use only one point of view for the whole essay discussion. That means discussing only one opinion, based on 2 supporting reasons throughout the essay. The format will be:

Par. 1 - Paraphrase and extent response
Par. 2 - Supporting reason 1
Par. 3 - Supporting reason 2
Par. 4 - Concluding summary

The approach you took to discussing the essay does not properly respond to the prompt. You created a prompt deviation, in your response within the paraphrase section that totally altered the discussion format and requirements:

Original Question: to what extent do you agree or disagree?
Incorrect Response (Yours) : I do believe that technology devices could bring more benefits to people.
Correct Response: I partially disagree with the given statement for two reasons.

This is not a belief essay. This is an agree/disagree essay. You are being asked to support or not support a given argument. Since you are discussing your beliefs, you are not responding to the task accurately, That would lead to a TA score of 1, since your response is completely unrelated to the task. Once you fail the TA section, it is impossible to get a passing score based on the remaining requirements.