Position(s) of responsibility you have held(not necessarily business related)?
Being an active and energetic person, I handled many responsibilities in my life. The representative of class in school, committee member of technical symposium in college and member of fun-club in company are some of them. The most important are the SPOC in Skillbay and President of KCYM.
In Syntel, my first project was to renovate the portal 'skillbay'. A SPOC (single point of contact) was in charge of each module. We started with the coding after completing the design, but then my SPOC suddenly decided to move out of the company. Since it happened at a short notice, it was not possible to find a replacement at that time and I was given that responsibility.
Normally only seniors were given the charge. It was not easy in the initial stages and I had problems keeping the first deadline. But then, with the help from seniors, I gradually picked up. I started handling the tasks accurately and on time. I also could give a good support to my team members as I was technically strong. And when the project went into production, there were no major issues in our module. That was really an achievement for a novice like me. My first project was a time of great learning experience. My confidence level boosted and technical knowledge improved a lot.
I was the President of KCYM Manjapra parish, for two years from 2005. Previously I had held the posts of Joint-Secretary and Treasurer. But the 'leader of a 45-member team' was a more demanding job. As a person very much interested in social work, I joined the Kerala Catholic Youth Movement, a church based organization for youth, in 2000. As the President, I was able to lead and complete many successful programs during my tenure.
One of the activities that gave me immense satisfaction was the construction of a waiting-shed for the commuters. We never undertook such a big project before. Getting approvals, finding sponsors, completing the work, everything was our responsibility. I formed different teams for each task. My experience in construction business also helped. We worked hard and completed the project within three months and spending just 85% of the expected amount. The social work taken under the auspices of KCYM helped me a lot in framing an improved outlook in life and becoming a better human being. It also gave me a great level of satisfaction, satisfaction of doing something for the society.
I've highlighted all of the forms of "to be" that you use in the first two paragraphs:
Being an active and energetic person, I handled many responsibilities in my life. The representative of class in school, committee member of technical symposium in college and member of fun-club in company are some of them. The most important are the SPOC in Skillbay and President of KCYM.
In Syntel, my first project was to renovate the portal 'skillbay'. A SPOC (single point of contact) was in charge of each module. We started with the coding after completing the design, but then my SPOC suddenly decided to move out of the company. Since it happened at a short notice, it was not possible to find a replacement at that time and I was given that responsibility.
Notice you use six in seven sentences. This really weakens your essay, because "to be" is a very weak verb. To understand why, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "run," "jump," "scream." Then, ask yourself what you imagine when you hear the word "was." It probably doesn't give you any sort of mental image at all.
So, I would suggest that you go through and replace as many of your forms of "to be" as you can with strong, evocative verbs. You should do this for the entire essay, not just the first two paragraphs -- I just used them as an example. Good luck with the revisions.
I was the President of KCYM Manjapra parish, for two years from 2005. You might want to change it to " I was the President of KCYM Manjapra parish from 2005 to 2007."
Manoj, that is good advice! It's less awkward that way.
On the last sentence, I would emphasize your point like this:
It also gave me a great level of satisfaction -- satisfaction of doing something for the society.
