IELTS: Richer nations should help poorer nations in health, education and trade.

Below is the essay question and answer for IETLS General Training Task 2. My target is to get Band 7. I got 6.5 in the last test, next test is 12/5/2012. Please comment. Thanks.

Question:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

Answer:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. Poorer nations need help from richer nations in these areas to develop their countries.

Firstly, in the area of health, poorer nations normally have less quantity of doctors and nurses compared to richer nations. High population in poorer countries due to lack of family planning caused the proportion of doctors unbalance to the quantity of resident. On top of that, poorer nations are lack of hospitals to fulfill the demand of the patients. To solve these issues, richer nations can contribute by delegating doctors and nurses to these power nations as well as donate money to build hospitals.

Secondly, in the area of education, it is generally agreed that poorer countries often lack of teachers in schools as well as lecturers in higher education institutions. Besides that, education for these countries normally is not free so only certain group of students can afford it. In order to solve the education manpower problem, richer countries can allocate experienced educators to train more teachers and lecturers in poorer countries. Meanwhile, for the issue of education fee, richer countries should offer scholarships and loan to the qualified students.

Lastly, in the area of trade, no one can deny that poorer countries are lagging behind richer countries due to shortage of money. Trading are less active in poorer countries may also be caused by incomplete transportation infrastructure. For example, residents in rural areas still depend on their own farm for food production. As a token of goodwill, richer nations can provide financial service to poorer countries to encourage trading. The former can also give consultation on setting up a complete and efficient transportation infrastructure to support trading.

In conclusion, richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in all health, education and trade. Improvements in these areas will create a better life for residents in poorer nations which they can use to grow their homeland.

Thanks emma. Do you mind to rate my band according to marking criteria? (band 1-9)
Task Achievement
Coherence and Cohesion
Lexical Resource
Grammatical Range and Accuracy

Other forumers welcome to rate too. Thanks.

[edited band 1-9 instead of band 1-7]

Hi,
Your arguments are convincing and the structure is correct. However, you need to work on your Grammatical mistakes, try not to be repetitive in your word choices.

Your introduction is weak, you should not copy the same sentence from the essay topic, it creates negative impact on examiner. i would rate 6 band to this essay(its just my personal opinion)

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. Poorer nations need help from richer nations in these areas to develop their countries. (You should not copy the same words from the topic. All this words will be directly subtracted from the total number of words in your essay)

Advancement all over the world is clearly visible, all thanks to the technological development. But still there are many countries, lacking far behind in the race of progress. Some people think that it's the onus on the local government of such nations for improvement in the important sectors such as health, education and trade. However, others may contend that help from richer country is indispensable for the growth of less-developed nations.

Firstly, in the area of health, poorer nations normally havedoes not have adequate numberquantity of doctors and nurses to serve the entire population. compared to richer nations. (if you notice the next sentence is not required as it gives redundant information and if you are talking about family planning, then its a off-topic debate) High population in poorer countries due to lack of family planning caused the proportion of doctors unbalance to the quantity of resident . On top of that(In addition is better), poorer nations are lack of hospitals to fulfill the demand of the patientsalso lacks with the required infrastructure and facilities to cope up with the requirement of patients. For instance, advance medical equipment and computer machines imperative for emergency treatment and for probing the cause are not affordable by the small nursing clinics. To solve these issues, richer nations(does not use same words, you can use developed nations over here ) can contribute by delegating doctors and nurses to these power nations as well as by donateing money to build hospitals.

Thanks Ali Sayed, you're really helpful. I would love to get comment on the rest of the paragraphs, will you mind to prepare that?