Hi
I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).
I am aiming for 8+ score.
Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)
Essay topic:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility of helping the poorer nations in such areas.
Essay:
Today's world is divided into developed countries with abundance of resources and the poorer countries with absence of even basic amenities. Although the prosperous nations have moral responsibility to help the less fortunate ones, it can be argued that only external help will not be enough for these countries to grow, and equal effort also has to come from them only.
Most of the developed nations suffer with lack of proper healthcare facilities. According to a recent survey, counties like Africa have maximum number of AIDS afflicted patients, which is definitely a source of concern. If developed nations pledge to make free health care services available to Africa, it will be very helpful to tackle the growing epidemic of AIDS.
However on a closer look, one would observe that the main source of these problems is a corrupt legislative system. Many developed countries have administrative services corrupted to the root the system. The welfare benefits received from other countries do not reach those in need. No amount of external help will be able to fix that problem.
Another big problem is lack of strong judicial system, due to which powerful and well-connected people continue to take advantage without any fear of being punished. This creates a huge imbalance of wealth within the country. To fix this, the administrators will have to work on fixing the judicial system and ensuring that everyone gets a fair share of available benefits.
To conclude, I agree that affluent nations should shoulder the responsibility of helping poor countries. However this economic disparity will continue to exist until respective countries fix their internal economics and administration to ensure that they can make best of available resources and everyone gets benefited equally.
I wrote this essay while practicing for IELTS. I used this topic from a samples website, but the content is written by me (not a word copied from anywhere).
I am aiming for 8+ score.
Please help in evaluating my essay. Thanks :)
Essay topic:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility of helping the poorer nations in such areas.
Essay:
Today's world is divided into developed countries with abundance of resources and the poorer countries with absence of even basic amenities. Although the prosperous nations have moral responsibility to help the less fortunate ones, it can be argued that only external help will not be enough for these countries to grow, and equal effort also has to come from them only.
Most of the developed nations suffer with lack of proper healthcare facilities. According to a recent survey, counties like Africa have maximum number of AIDS afflicted patients, which is definitely a source of concern. If developed nations pledge to make free health care services available to Africa, it will be very helpful to tackle the growing epidemic of AIDS.
However on a closer look, one would observe that the main source of these problems is a corrupt legislative system. Many developed countries have administrative services corrupted to the root the system. The welfare benefits received from other countries do not reach those in need. No amount of external help will be able to fix that problem.
Another big problem is lack of strong judicial system, due to which powerful and well-connected people continue to take advantage without any fear of being punished. This creates a huge imbalance of wealth within the country. To fix this, the administrators will have to work on fixing the judicial system and ensuring that everyone gets a fair share of available benefits.
To conclude, I agree that affluent nations should shoulder the responsibility of helping poor countries. However this economic disparity will continue to exist until respective countries fix their internal economics and administration to ensure that they can make best of available resources and everyone gets benefited equally.
