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Ielts 2- Rise in crimes committed by young people in cities


swathi_12345 7 / 13 5  
Aug 30, 2014   #1
It would be very helpful if you can correct any grammatical errors, check cohesion, vocabulary in the below essay. Also, it would be great if you can rate it for 10.

Question : In recent years, there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What has caused this? What solutions can you suggest?

These days, there is a significant rise in criminals among young people. This is a pressing issue across the world and needs immediate attention.

There are various reasons for the increase in crimes among young people. One main reason for this change is movies. These days most of the movies show violence and are portraying criminals are heroes resulting in provocation of young to take wrong paths. The second reason is due to busy modern lives, parents are not spending considerable time with their kids. As no one is correcting their wrong doings, they are turning out into criminals. The third reason is, due increase in standard of living across the world, parents are able to give more pocket money to their children. Most of the youth these days are getting used to drugs and alcohol.

There is certainly on one solution to this problem, considering the complexity of the causes. However, the government can impose laws in sensor board to make sure movies which impact society in a bad way are banned. It would also help if parents can spend more time with their children teaching them good manners and monitoring them regularly, so that they don't get used to drugs and alcohol. It is also proven that children who spend time with their grand parents are less likely to turn into criminals. The government should also pass legislation which would restrict access to guns among youth which is also a major concern these days.

To sum up, young people are turning into criminals because of the changes in life style in twentieth century. Government and parents should work together to guide youth in the right direction.

jay bajarang - / 1 1  
Aug 30, 2014   #2
Your over all content is good but your introduction is too short . It just end up in 2 lines, so u must make it upto 5 lines. you have written "The third reason is, due increase ". In place of this it must be "The third reason is, due to increase..." . Anyways ideas are good and i will like to rate it 8.
Pyon9x 11 / 24 9  
Aug 30, 2014   #3
These days, there is a significant rise in criminals among young people. This is a pressing issue across the world and needs immediate attention.

=> i think you could replace the word "rise" with increase or growth so that you'll avoid copying from the topic which could affect your vocab band

here you're lack of the thesis statement which help the reader to know what you're going to discuss in your essay

for example : in this essay, i would examine the causes as well as measures to address this problem


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