I'd run my own business" ;To purchase a house or a business - TOEFL

Hello, everybody!
That's another essay that i am practising my writing skills to the TOEFL exam.
Help me with my words, and grammar! Any critical to the text or praise are accepted. If anyone could rate it would be better! Thanks!

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

Everybody once in life asks this freaky question: "what would you do if you win lottery?". There are so many answers like: "help all my parents", "help people in Africa", "buy a Ferrari" and so on. I believe that if i win/have a lot of money i would run my own bussiness.

Firstly, by runing your own bussiness you would be able to make more money. Last month a friend of mine bougth a place in mall and opened a Starbucks. He told me that in two weeks he could pay the cost of maquinary. In addition, if everything continue just the way it is, he is planning to open a restaurant at another location. What is the secret of success? Networking, marketing, a good and effective attendment and a effective plan. So, to be succeed you have to take a seat and organize your ideas.

Secondly,you could get more knowledge and skills running a bussiness. Nowadays, business is very competitive, so you have to improve your skills and knowledge to compete with others companies. There are many courses showing how to create a real bond with your clients. Futhermore, by working for someone else, you can face less risk but would receive less money. I believe that most people would prefer to have a influx money coming to their pocket, rather then receiving boss' pocket.

In conclusion, being able to buy a house would be nice, but on the other hand i think that buying a business would be more advantageous. A business would allow me to save some money to buy a luxurious mansion and be able to afford the number of people that would work there, such as gardners, maids, cookers etc.

Hi,

Good Toefl Essay should have more than 300 words. I don't sure whether your essay is reach that.
For me, I suggest more ideas to put it : like

Doing business helps you learn more about life.
Doing business is good in the long-run.

Hope,that works.

I agree with scarecrowd that you should write more to illustrate your points sufficiently.

Since the topic is about purchasing either a house or a business, I reckon that other sorts of expense of the money should not be discussed or mentioned. So your first paragraph seems a little improper for this essay.

And I wonder if there is a digression in the latter part of your second paragraph. Maybe you could add and modify some sentences to draw your conclusion more clearly. Like:

...an effective plan. And when you are operating your own business, you get the opportunities to take a seat and learn these skills. With these skills, you will reach successful accomplishment, making oceans of money.

Just my personal ideas. Hopefully, they would help! :)

thanks for your ideas, Wipu and ryutei YU!
i'll try improve my own ideas!

Hi Eduarado, do you happen to know how the rating system works for toefl? I would love to try to help if you can help me learn how these are rated.

Do not include the period if you have a question mark. The period replaces the question mark:
?". ---- ?"

...question: "W hat would you do if you won lottery?"
Now, remember this freaky verb tense rule:
What would you do if you won?
What will you do if you win?
but not
What would you do if you win?

Here is another example:
If I passed the toefl one day I would...----- this sentence is strange, but it is correct.
If I pass the toefl one day I will------ this is also correct.

If I like essay forum I will remain a member.
If I liked essay forum I would remain a member.

If I did---> I would
If I do -----> I will

Hi, Kevin! Thank you for your help!

I do not understand the system. I think that there are some topics with scores that they evaluate like grammar, pontuation... i believe that it's not that simple.

I believe you need to elaborate more on your key points, in order to fully get what your trying to say across. Other than a few grammar errors that were corrected above, your essay shows much promise