I have several comments, questions, and suggestions for your writing, I hope these can increase your writing skill.
other people have different point
other people have different points
both sides have own merits and demerits
why you put "own" in such a sentence?, be careful to use "own"
Although not all people can be like Gates or the high income is not a guarantee
could you re-write this sentence? because I think that this sentence is not parallel.
I think you should put an article here = a little opportunity/ opportunities/ the little opportunity
people who work at the firm know their annual payment and acquire little opportunity to add more financial
I cannot find main sentence here. could you explain to me where is your main sentence in this sentence?
be careful to use adjective clause.
They do what they want, allow them to offer innovative products and services to customers
could you re-write this sentence? why you put a verb after comma? is it parallel?
In today's world, many people run their own business due to the fact that it offers high profit. However, other people have different point of view and prefer to work in a company as they have a secure job. In my opinion, both sides have own merits and demerits.
Overall, although your first paragraph is clear enough inasmuch as you put your thesis statement and paraphrase the topic question, I utterly believe that your introduction paragraph is going to Out Of Topic in that the question does not ask you the benefits and drawbacks. the question asks you whether the advantages are outweigh the disadvantages. Thus, my suggestion is, you should simplify the topic question first prior to write your introductory paragraph.
What's more, I think you should add more general information in your introduction paragraph to make it much clearer and to attract readers. You are also suggested to give a simple reason in every statement.
I know that you want to increase your vocabularies so you should make sure the vocabularies in your writing is appropriate.
KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.