TOEFL- Saving money helps us meet the costs of our further studies; pivotal role

I believe that we should save our hard earned money rather than spending them right away. By being economical, one can save money and use them for future purposes like paying college fees, rent and etc. Also, one can be independent and secure if he knows he has some savings

Nowadays, college education costs a lot. One has to lend money from one's parents or take loans topay the fees. But, by being thrifty and sensible, we can pay complete or a part of the fees. As a result, burden on our parents would be less and if we choose to take loan, there will be lesser amount to pay back to the back. Consequently, we will have lesser burdens and we can live happily.

People are independent when they have money. For instance, I hang out with my friends regularly. And every time we go out, many of my friends have to ask their parents for money. But, had they saved some money, they can use it as per their wish for a better purpose. Also, being independent boosts you're confidence.

Moreover, preserving money can help us deal with the sudden emergencies. For example, if there is a emergency or someone is sick in my family, I could rush them to the best of the hospitals and get them treated as soon as possible without thinking of huge bills I have to pay. But, if I don't save, I have to lend money from someone and chances are there that, I might not find anyone to lend me money making me insecure and worried.

In conclusion, I believe, saving our money has many advantages. Saving helps us meet the costs of our further studies. It helps us develop the vital characteristic of being independent and moreover, as a savior in times of emergencies. Thus, for one to live a safe and prosperous life, savings can play a pivotal role.

"Them" is not correct with "money."
Write like this:
I believe that we should save our hard earned money rather than spending it right away.

It is just like the word water or the word food:
I think we should save our water instead of drinking it right away.
I think we should save our food instead of eating it right away.

IT is different from things you can count, like hamsters:
I think we should save our hamsters instead of eating them right away.--- THEM is correct in this sentenc,e because hamsters can be counted. If you are talking about "money" use "it"... but if you are talking about dollars, use "them." Dollars can be counter, buy "money" is both singular and plural. This is a tough rule to learn in English, but you will get it! :-)

Moreover, preserving money can help us deal with the sudden emergencies. ---- good point!

But, if I don't save, I have to lend borrow money from someone and chances are there that I might not find anyone to lend me money, which would make me insecure and worried.

You have very few errors! You will do well on the TOEFL.