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IELTS TASK 2 - SCHOOL AND PARENTS ROLE FOR KEEPING CHILDREN HEALTH - CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 PAGE 2


faizunaa17 49 / 91  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, many pupils become careless for keeping fit their own body. This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases. As a result, I agree that it is important for schools and parents to care with this problem.

There are two main factors that usually makes children have unwell condition. First is their food consumption. On one hand, they like to spend their money for trying such as a tasty food without look at the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspect. To solve that, schools and parents must work together. While the father and mother give pupils advice in the home, the teacher should control it when they at school, for not buying food anywhere. For instance, some food that usually sold outside the school is dirty, even though they still buy it. So, teachers must keep eye to them. If the students obey the advice and the teacher not care, they will get disease too.

Secondly is the sport habit. It is very important because the development of technology make people doing only a few exercises and feel harm in their muscle. This problem not only occur in the older generation, but also in many children, proven with a lot of children already have smart phone that make all time of their day busy. For example, although school usually already have sport lesson every week, but it is not enough to control it alone without any help from parents, because children spend many time in home. In Sunday or when holiday, father and mother can ask to their children for accompanying them jogging, playing badminton, or the other sport.

All in all, both school and parents have the similar degree of responsibilities to take care children health. In addition, it is better if parents and schools build intensive communication especially for children's health. So, they will help each other for avoiding pupils from unhealthy lifestyle.

ifraanisa05 44 / 70 6  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
For instance, some food that usually sold [...] teacher not care, they will get disease too.
You started to use 'one idea paragraph' on your essay. please add an effect from the reason/example before the conclusion

So, teachers must keep eye to them.
a little correction do not forget to put an article before noun phrase --> keep an eye
keep an eye to them --> to is not a proper preposition you should add keep an eye on them

... already have smart phone that makemakes all time of their day busy.
smartphone is singular right?

because children spend manymuch time in home.
time is uncountable

please kindly check on my essay faiz :):)
dinartika19 37 / 67 6  
Oct 26, 2016   #3
Hi Faiz! Let me give some advise for you. :)

Body Paragraph :
As far as I can see, your idea only focus to solve the problems and give example using parents and schools. I think you should state on your idea including the parents or teachers, then give examples related to it.

Or, you can only focus on one problem, then expand it to how the parents should do in the second paragraph, while put the school in the third paragraph. So, your idea should combine both in the problems and how to solve this.

Overall :
For conclusion, it is better for you not to add some information, and just focus on paraphrasing your idea from paragraph 1 and 2.

Note : I like your essay, because it is really easy to read and understand. I hope you will get the score you wanted.

Keep spirit!
Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Oct 26, 2016   #4
Hi Fai,

This is shown by some statisticsfigures that displays (...) that havesuffer from diseases.
While the fatherS and motherS give pupils (...) when they are at school, for ...
For instance, some foodS that usually soldsell outside the school is dirty, even thoughbut they still buy it.
... and the teacherdo not care, they ...

... because children spend manymuch time in home.

All in all, both schoolS and parents ...

- You need to make your thesis statement more specific by giving the reasons.
- There are no coherence between essay and the question. Understand the question first so you can answer it clearly.

Hopefully it helps.
Ilmi_03 47 / 69 11  
Oct 26, 2016   #5
Hello, Faiz :)
The prompt asks "do you agree if schools and parents are responsible for solving the unhealthy lifestyle?", doesn't it?
But, as far as I am concerned, you give more explanations about the unhealthy lifestyle of children recently, instead of the role of parents and schools.

Also, I notice you put additional background in your introduction paragraph,
"This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases".
In this case, if you add other information, you should explain it in the following paragraphs.


Despite of this problem, here are some corrections for the second paragraph:

... that usually makes children have unwell condition. Firstly,it is due to their food consumption.
... spend their money foron trying such as a tasty food without look atregardless the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspects .
While the father and mother give pupils ...
..., some food that usually sold outside the school is dirty, even thoughbut they still buy it.

Note:
- pay more attention to subject verb agreement
ensure that each sentence has correct structure
- punctuation
- several words have their certain collocation: spend on
- countable and uncountable noun
- using of article


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