IELTS - Essay about whether school should teach traditional subjects or practical knowledge.

Hello, please help me check my IELTS writing task 2. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

Schools concentrate far too much on traditional subjects which do not adequately prepare students for the realistic demands of the modern working world.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Creating a proper curriculum for school is always a matter of many educators. There is an existing idea that a great concentration is made on traditional subjects, which is supposed to be no longer adequate to equip job-orientated skills for students. While many people find feasible subjects lucrative, others insist on the benefits of long-established ones. Pondering upon this issue, I hold a strong interest on the later perception.

First and foremost, a more secured success in recruitment is what I put in my priority. What students expected to gain after school is high skill of knowledge acquisition, which is highly likely to guarantee successful employment in the future. It cannot be denied that academic basis provided by schools is inevitably pivotal in the modern society. Thanks to schools' priority in primarily focusing on theoretical subjects, students will inaugurate the skills, theories they gain during study progress into practice. For instance, based on different types of writing styles pupils learn at school, they have high skills of writing CV. Therefore, students are offered a great chance of recruitment and become qualified employees.

The further point holds no less importance in my argument is all-round development of students. Needless to say, traditional subjects play a fundamental role in imparting academic and professional knowledge. First of all, in the process of learning science subjects, such as Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, critical, analytical thinking skills which are valuable experiences and make individuals dominant in workplace will be promoted. Moreover, studying History will broaden one's horizons on different ancient civilizations motivate them to explore diverse cultures. Similarly, while reading pages in Literature, both vocabulary and imagination will scale up and enhance. By and large, those who attain academic knowledge have irrefutable advantages in the modern working world.

In conclusion, success in future recruitment and all-round development are tenable reason for my preference. Taking my analysis into meticulous consideration, I believe that students whose have learning spirits will stand more opportunity to glorify their future.

Please remember that this 40 minute task has to be edited and finalized in terms of content. Do not focus on the length of the essay because you run out of time to edit the paper. The mere length will not assure you of an overall passing consideration. You need to leave at least 5 minutes to make sure that there are no spelling errors, no incorrect vocabulary usage, no unclear sentences or paragraphs. You have all of those problems existing in this essay. Had you written an essay between 275-290 words in length, you would have avoided those errors and also allowed yourself some time to perfect the essay content.

For starters, you did not really respond to the extent question in the essay. What you gave as a response was:

Pondering upon this issue, I hold a strong interest on the later perception.

What is the latter perception? Did you even realize that your total paragraph, because of your unreasonable focus on trying to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary, you failed to properly paraphrase the original prompt? You did not express a clear thought in the prompt paraphrase. Your paraphrase even contains information not included in the original prompt. The more appropriate paraphrase would have been:

Educational institutions tend to focus on conventional learning courses. It is commonly believed that these forms of learning are no longer capable of equipping learners for modern occupational conditions. I strongly agree with this belief for various reasons.

You have to clearly rephrase the original topic and reason. After that, you give a clear, pointed response to the question posed. That is how you properly paraphrase the original presentation. Your presentation was nowhere near a proper paraphrase because you veered away from the original discussion through the reference to the question of curriculum creation, which wasn't the discussion focus of the essay at all. Hence the improper paraphrase and the confusing response to the question that you created.

Your discussion topics are incorrect. The ability to write a proper resume has nothing to do with the preparedness of an individual to perform his job. Rather, it is the proper practical training that should be the focus of your discussion at that point. Your second reasoning paragraph is even further off the discussion topic. Your reasons would have probably been more applicable had you provided proper discussion examples and supporting explanations. Right now, all your paragraphs lack clarity and coherence. Which will be main reasons why it will get a low score in the end.