Hi friends,
I have my IELTS exam on Aug 2 and trying to work on few essays. I have given a response for a sample essay and request to evaluate the same. Also, please give me a rough score for the below response. Thank you.
Response:
Since past two decades, schools are concentrating on theoretical subjects rather than offering the students with the practical exposure of what they are learning at school.
Firstly, the teaching methods at schools should be more effectively projected to the students so as to ensure that the student has understood the topic. For example, as in case of Physics, a teacher should be able to explain Newton Laws of Motion in a practical methodology so as to make clear to the student what precisely the teacher is referring to.
Secondly, when compared with the past two decades, there is a wide range of change in the curriculum. Computers has become a mandatory subject in the school these days and is playing a vital role in our day to day lives. Considering this subject, many programming languages like C and C++ introduced as a part of the curriculum. Experienced teachers who have perception are striving to offer practical knowledge to the students which gives them an awareness to flourish themselves in learning programming languages which reinforces the students who are interested to initiate their career in the stream of software.
Finally, in my opinion, schools must concentrate to provide practical exposure to the students which helps them to flourish their career in future. Bringing a change in the education system depends on the Government. However, this requires a plan of action which requires support from both the school and their management to ensure that every student must be offered real life skills which further in the future lead to excel in the world of work.
It is always better to include your full prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it really requires from you and align our feedbacks more with it. Though it is difficult to say whether you have aligned your writing with the prompt requirements without seeing it, I feel you need to improve the approach of the introduction. This is how I suggest you to construct your intro; Begin your essay with a hook statement, which is catchy, meaningful and relevant to the topic (do not write very lengthy sentences for a hook), Then introduce the background of the issue to the reader (this you can do by paraphrasing the prompt itself) Finally state your opinion very very clearly.
Since past two decades, schools are concentrating on theoretical subjects rather than offering the students with the practical exposure of what they are learning at school.
offering the students with the practical exposure of what
they supposed to learn at school.
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Dear Sir,
I will work on the introduction as suggested by you. I have included the full prompt below. Request to give your valuable feedback of the remaining part of the essay.
People often say that schools greatest failure is that it focuses too intensely on academic subjects and fails to equip students with the real life skills necessary to cope in the world of work. But is it fair to criticize the education system in this way?Response:
Since past two decades, schools are concentrating on theoretical subjects rather than offering the students with the practical exposure of what they are learning at school.
Firstly, the teaching methods at schools should be more effectively projected to the students so as to ensure that the student has understood the topic. For example, as in case of Physics, a teacher should be able to explain Newton Laws of Motion in a practical methodology so as to make clear to the student what precisely the teacher is referring to.
Secondly, when compared with the past two decades, there is a wide range of change in the curriculum. Computers has become a mandatory subject in the school these days and is playing a vital role in our day to day lives. Considering this subject, many programming languages like C and C++ introduced as a part of the curriculum. Experienced teachers who have perception are striving to offer practical knowledge to the students which gives them an awareness to flourish themselves in learning programming languages which reinforces the students who are interested to initiate their career in the stream of software.
Finally, in my opinion, schools must concentrate to provide practical exposure to the students which helps them to flourish their career in future. Bringing a change in the education system depends on the Government. However, this requires a plan of action which requires support from both the school and their management to ensure that every student must be offered real life skills which further in the future lead to excel in the world of work.Since past two decades, schools are concentrating on theoretical subjects rather than offering the students with the practical exposure of what they are learning at school.
your introduction should be rewritten in the way that can catch reader'attention
Firstly, the teaching methods at schools should be more effectively projected to the students so as to ensure that the student has understood the topic.
Gramatical mistake here
Secondly, when compared with the past two decades, there is a wide range of change in the curriculum.
Lack subject in the first stence
. Experienced teachers who have perception are striving to offer practical knowledge to the students which gives them an awareness to flourish themselves in learning programming languages which reinforces the students who are interested to initiate their career in the stream of software.
This sentence is too long and make difficulty for reader to understand
. However, this requires a plan of action which requires support from both the school and their management to ensure that every student must be offered real life skills which further in the future lead to excel in the world of work.
Repeat sentence structure with the word Which
However, this requires a plan of action which requires support from both the school and their management to ensure that every student must be offered real life skills which further in the future lead to excel in the world of work.
last sentence is a little bit strange.it's too long.i will take ielts test next month,19th Aug.
flourish twice used. go for alternative word. alleviate, improve, assist
which helps them to alleviate their career in future.
every student must be offered real life skills which further in the future lead to excel in the world of work.
every student must be offered real life skills which lead to excellence in their career. --> avoid both the words at a time --> further and future
overall good. try different vocabulary. All the best!.
This essay will lose many scores in Task Response.
Firstly, the teaching methods at schools should be more effectively projected to the students so as to ensure that the student has understood the topic. For example, as in case of Physics, a teacher should be able to explain Newton Laws of Motion in a practical methodology so as to make clear to the student what precisely the teacher is referring to.
This paragraph does not discuss why we should not focus intensely on academic subjects. You can talk about more advantages of non-academic subjects and expand these ideas.
this is the introduction that I've got from my teacher here,I've used it for along time and the result shows better than the shorter one. so that, I suggest you to follow this pattern, hope it will work with you
case/issue = use what,who,where,when,why, and how to help you construct the issue
your position/opinion = agree/disagree, advantage/disadvantage, your opinion, your idea, etc
thesis statement = this essay would examine . . ..
this essay would discuss . . . .