Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems?

i am facing serious problem on time management. This whole writing and editing process took around 40-45 minutes. :'( Some of you have suggested me to reduce the content in the writing. However, i feel that if I reduce the content from my body paragraph it makes the whole thing vague. In other words, i can't express my thought clearly... please give me some suggestion on that. anyway, here is my new essay, feel free to comment.

Question: When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

Answer:

School is the most important place for our academic life. This is where we learn new things and prepare ourselves for a successful life. When students move to a new school, sometimes they face problems with lot of things such as language, making new friends, weather of the campus etc. I think school can help new students by several ways. Here I will discuss about two of them that i have faced in my life.

The main way that school can help new students is, providing sufficient information about the campus. When new students arrive in their new school, they have no idea about the campus of that particular school. They have no idea about the placement of several important places such as canteen, library, academic building, teacher's room, common room, play ground etc. School can provide some books or can arrange a guide for their new students by which students can get familiar with the campus. For example, last year, I enrolled at a new school outside of my city. When I got the admission package; in the package, it contained a book provided by the school where the map of whole campus was given. Therefore, before reaching there I had an idea about the placement of different building of the campus. Furthermore, when I reached there, there was a guide for the new students and he guided me to my dorm. This made my arrival easy and hassle free. As you can see, with the help of book and guide school can help new students.

Another way is school can provide a counseling group or office where new students can share their problems. By doing so, authority can know about the ongoing problems of new students and can take proper actions to eliminate those problems. For instance, when I moved to the new school last year and as i mentioned earlier it was outside of my city, therefore, i had to stay out of my family and home. As I never been without my family, it was a bitter experience at first. I was homesick and could not concentrate on my study. Then, I heard about the counseling office from one of my seniors and I went there to share my problem. The counselor was really helpful, he heard my problem with deep attention and suggested me to talk to my parent every night over phone. He told me that, the problem of mine is a temporary thing. He also told me that, when I will finish my study and be a successful person I could spend more time with my family. Moreover, He suggested me to make new friends in the school to reduce my homesickness. The conversation helped me to recover from my homesickness. This experience taught me that, school can help new students with better counseling.

In sum, school can help new students various way. However, I think providing sufficient information about the campus and proper counseling is the most important among others. Every school should implement those to help new students.

This is quite natural as you start practicing and you would keep improving with each practice essay. The best way to go about is to practice with time and also follow a firm structure.

Well, every school is not a campus. Generally campus is where the students pursue their tertiary education. The term school is generally referred to primary and secondary institutions. Since your prompt talks about a school, it is better you do not disturb its scope. In other words, it's better you didn't use the word "campus".


... there is some repetition. You can say;
For the freshers, they do not have much knowledge or idea about the new school or its students.

pahan,
i think that is not true entirely. In USA people say business school, engineering school even graduate school and they use it in official purpose. Only us, people from this side of the world notify different level of education with different names. As question contains ambiguity, can we use it to our advantage???

anyway, i understand your point, as it contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)

thank you for mentioning the second point. i did not notice that earlier...

dumi,
yep, i hope so... :)
by the way, don't you think i followed almost the same strategy that you suggested above? if any thing is missing or anything is redundant, please let me know. :)

I do not say you have followed a very different approach. However, my suggestion is little different from what you have done in your essay. Your body paragraphs are pretty long and your reasons are quite expanded which, in my view, may put you in trouble. I mean you may not be able to handle time effectively. If I were you, I wouldn't have spent so much time elaborating on the reason.

Well, this is the definition I found for the campus;
Full Definition of CAMPUS
1: the grounds and buildings of a university, college, or school
2: a university, college, or school viewed as an academic, social, or spiritual entity
So, the general usage of this word deals with universities and colleges. I have never come across anywhere that called elementary school a campus. However, your topic includes the schools of all levels of education. That is what I tried to emphasize and I did it with a positive feeling to help you further improve your writing - not to look down upon your writing.

pahan,
if any of my comments was harsh to you, i am apologizing for that. i always appreciate criticism. I m not posting my writing here to get applaud on it. I believe that, criticism is my friend now not appreciation. i also believe criticism will help me to improve further. i had a confusion and i asked about it. that's all. hope you will understand

anyway, i got the point. As i said earlier, if question contains ambiguity we should stay on the safe side... :)

dumi,
i am trying; trying my best... :)

To me, your essay sounds good overall. I am also having problem with time management. So i am writing essays in 40 minutes for a week and then 35 minutes the next week. Eventually, i might be able to write it in 30 minutes! Anyway good luck!

Well, that's fine. This forum is for everybody to express their views on others' writing in view of helping someone improve. Pahan has done his part to help you and it is very nice of you to make the above comment to avoid any misunderstanding if there has been any :D

I have noticed that you have good writing skills and also you are keep improving with your writing :)