IELTS Task 2- schools' or parents' responsibility to teach children be healthy.

Kids should Learn about balanced diet

hello,eveyone
I am the new member, and preparing the IELTS test.
Please tell me if there is anything I can make better in my essay/writing test
Thank you!
here is my task 2 essay question:
Some people think that parent should teach their children how to be healthy and have a balanced diet.
Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this.

And my essay:

People consider that health involves many factors like food and exercises, and people should set up the correct healthy concept from childhood. Some people agree that it is parents' responsibility to teach their children, while others think that schools should teach useful knowledge of health to students.I claim that parents are the contributing factors that they can affect children's the concept of health, and schools have ineffective teaching because they cannot take care of children after class.


There are health education classes in school, and children can learn the correct information about having a balanced diet and the effective way to be healthy in school. However, to have correct knowledge is one thing, and to do is another. For example, there was a food stand behind my high school, which sold the fried chicken. Even though the teachers told us had better not to buy it due to the bad stand environment, I could still see a lot of students queued up for their fried chicken. In addition, teachers have no way limiting what children eat after school. Therefore, schools' education may not be the best way to influence children to be healthy.

On the contrary, parents should be responsible for helping their children to be healthy because the habits are easily built up at home, and parents are the first they have contact with frequently. For instance, one of my friends is used to jogging in the morning everyday, since his father did it in order to keep in shape before. And now, he use the same method to own a low-fat body. Thus, parents take charge of setting role models for their children.

In conclusion, children do not know health exactly, and they usually follow parents' habits. Even though schools is a are the main place that children can learn correct concept of health, parents play an important role in setting up their children's habits

@buzzlin
Hi!

Let's look through your essay.

1. Your sentence structure is quite off at times. I suggest trying to create more dynamics through curating both short form and lengthy sentences to have more of an organic flow. Once you do this, your essay will have increased effectiveness in relaying information.

2. Watch out for your usage of preposition, punctuation, and other technical portions of the language. Review these concepts for the betterment of your writing.

3. Synonymous terms go a long way. When you use these terms, you'll be able to curate sentences that have more functionality to them because you aren't being repetitive.

Taking these into account, let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Care for one's health involves many factors like food and exercises; people should have knowledge on its maintenance from childhood. While others agree that parents shoulder the responsibility, schools also are useful in teaching said knowledge. I believe that parents contribute most to children's understanding of health, whereas schools are ineffective as they cannot take care of children after class hours.

[...]

Notice how I tried my best to integrate different methods of transitioning between sentences to ensure that I have dynamism in writing. In addition, I also recommend that you try to package your ideas in a lighter manner. While lengthy sentences are superficially beautiful, they are not necessarily effect at all times. Balancing your writing techniques is crucial.

Best of luck in your writing!

remember to check your grammar!
"And now, he use the same..."