I need advice on how this paragraph sounds. It is for my AP Language class. It is on vaccines and autism. There was no guidelines for this paper, only that it had to be two pages in length and on the topic of autism and vaccines.
There is a reason there are still such things as scientific mysteries. Science simply cannot explain why or how some things occur. Autism, for example, is in a way a scientific mystery. Science cannot explain exactly how autism forms. That, along with the fact that the rates of children with autism in the United States are growing, is causing panic among parents.(SSW 10) This "panic" along with social media provided the "perfect storm" against vaccinations. Parents were eager to find a cause for their child's autism-so they began to blame vaccinations. As a result, this has caused a significant decrease in the amount of children receiving vaccines. The problem with this is that it inadvertently puts other children, along with infants too young to get vaccinated, at risk. Children should receive vaccines because, there is no scientific evidence correlating autism to vaccinations, autism is a lifelong disease, and it protects herd immunity.
I would edit the first sentence. Maybe put something along the lines of "Science cannot always answer a question..."
provided the "perfect storm" against
provided the perfect storm against
"The problem with this is that it inadvertently puts other children, along with infants too young to get vaccinated, at risk."
Explain what the problem is.
Thank you so much for your quick response! I will definitely fix those errors. I guess I just did not seem them when I was writing.
Did you happen to find any other errors with my paragraph?
Not necessarily. Perhaps go over the sentences and fine tune them. I would look for ways to simplify some of your statements. Is this paragraph an introduction, a body paragraph, or a conclusion? I am assuming it is an introduction.
There is really only one other mistake I noticed when glancing over this paragraph. In the final sentence, "Children should receive vaccines because, there is no scientific evidence correlating autism to vaccinations, autism is a lifelong disease, and it protects herd immunity."
What are you referring to when you say "it"? Are you referring to autism or vaccines?
Good eye! It is an introductory paragraph.
When I said "it" I was referring to vaccines. Vaccines cause herd immunity. Just one last question, when you say "simply" what do you mean exactly?
When I said simplify I meant you need to go through and take a look at your sentence structure. Some sentences should be a bit more concise. Though, I do not mean that you should create fragments. You should try to cut down on the amount of words you use.
There is a reason there are still such things as scientific mysteries.
... This is confusing. Is this what you wanted to mean?
There is a reason for why there are still such things called scientific mysteries. ... I still feel this is not a very good way to start; it's not clear to me yet :(
Science simply cannot explain why or how some things occur.
.... I think this provides a better entrance. You can polish it a bit more if you like;
Science simply cannot explain why or how certain things do occur.