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Self Introduction For UN Young Professional Programme


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 6, 2014   #1
I try to make an introductory for applying a position for UN Young Professional Program. Please kindly corrected my writing from it's structure, content, essay's flow and so on, Thank you :D

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Hello

My name is Sekar Paramitha Hanafi, please call me Kar.
I am currently seeking a position on United Nation Young Professionals Progamme.
I am 24 years old and I came from Palembang, South Sumatera Indonesia.
I recently just graduated from Diponegoro University with the with the Bachelor degree in Psychology. Just recently work as young village development, a program under regulation of the ministry of Sport.

From the really young age I always involve on helping people in term of social working. I joined with the Psikologi Hijau, an organization which cares about environment and the social problems. I have been the volunteer in the refugee camp of Merapi eruption in Keji village Muntilan Yogyakarta province in 2010. I run a program to assist children in the trauma healing program. Fortunately, our camp got the aid from UNICEF and Child Fund. I planned and conducted daily program covert with playing method and also running a trauma healing class twice a day for 1 month. Besides, I also run and manage the administration and lead the organization as the organization secretary and leader for two periods. The camp situation realize me that many people still do not get their right that should have been.

In my first years I won the election as the student senate committee as the representative of 2008 classes. I work as the public relation staff who responsible to bridge and announce the reliable information from student to campus administrator and vice versa.

As the lecture assistant, I also assisting incoming freshman in the classes of psychological graphic test as the lecture assistant. I was mentoring student to analyze and make report for Draw a person test and BAUM test outside the class through mentor program on campus.

In college I've always been assisting professor in conducting an international research.
I was able to assist the professor with daily activities plan and accommodate the data from participant from the kindergarten to the university level.

I enjoy do social working very much that motivated me more than ever to fans out and hopefully to meet the helpless people that I be working throughout the world.

What motivates me?
Empowering people in my current job drives me to do career in human right.
People in rural area got the differentiation in treating of their right in comparison with urban people as the majority of them are uneducated. In my country especially, modernity engaged with urban people sometimes unconsciously made the different caste between rural and urban people.

I think this such a fantastic opportunity to not only emerge myself in different culture and also the best career chose as the international civil servant. So, I can work overseas to help people as my interesting around the world after my social working experience.

A few of my hobbies are hiking, sightseeing, travelling, rafting I like creative art and I enjoy cooking very much. On my free time I join in motivated program for the orphan. I hope the orphan have a little insight from what we do and feel that they are have some opportunity to become an success adult similar with the children in complete family living. I very obsess to do international career. I believe that I will be the great candidate to your organization And I hope you will allowed me to be a part of your community around the world. Please contact me in interested and hurry, my personal information will be available in the end of this essay. That will very cool for me in join in United Nation Youth Professional Programme, in Assist, travel and explore. And I hope to accomplish my venture career in such biggest international organization with people around the world. Thank you

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 10, 2014   #2
I think your first paragraph can be condensed into a single sentence that tells the most important ideas:
I am a 24 year-old recent graduate of Diponegoro University in Indonesia.

But you should not just replaced the first paragraph with that sentence; you should also go back to the top and add a sentence to the beginning of the essay. The first sentence of the essay should surprised the reader in some way or cause the reader to become curious about the topic you will discuss in the essay. What is the most important message you want to transmit to the reader? I think it is a message about what makes you an excellent candidate for the position. What is one great thing you want the reader to remember while considering you can the position? What makes you uniquely interesting to the reader, and what makes you a perfect person for this position? Get inspired, and you will think of the magic words that convey this important message at the start of the essay.

It is important to also remember this main idea when you finish the essay. You give a lot of information in this essay, but I think the essay is supposed to have one important theme that makes it interesting and memorable. When you find that theme, that important, interesting message to the reader, then you can add a sentence or two about it to the first and last paragraphs.

Empowering people in my current job drives me to do toward a career involving human rights.

This material still needs some grammar editing.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 11, 2014   #3
Thank you kevin for your assistance. I am going to make some revisions. Hopefully you are kindly to give me another advices further.
fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Aug 11, 2014   #4
Hi Sekar, I would like to leave my first comment in this forum.

There are several comments to yours,

Firstly, your pattern is really different if we compare with other resume latters, your introductory is more likely chit-chat when you are in interview condition. Truthfully, I am really understand the storyline of your article, but I am afraid that native speaker in particular cannot catch the meaning of your article.

Secondly, there are a lot of your personal information. I am really perceive that you want to show all your ability and your achievement in your life whereas it would made your essay quality became down. In my personal view, you better manage the information which is you want to present in groups. For example, you can add your achievement when you are in collage partly. What more, hidden your data that you think it is not appropiate to show into your resume.

Lastly, you forget to add "ministry of youth and sport". I know, it is so difficult to translate but I believe if we can little bit improve our ideas to translate in english, it would be more fascinating.

And then for "young village development", I just know your program is youth paid volunteering activity, but correct me if I am wrong.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 11, 2014   #5
Dear fadlan, thank you in advance and welcome to this forum. Yap, writing is my big project obviously to make it authentic for native. In terms of achievement would you kindly explained more why the achievement that I do practically should be avoid ? In my mind personally, I would like to show them what I did specifically.

However,thank you also for the vocabulary corrections mainly about my programme :D
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Aug 11, 2014   #6
Some grammar issues

I camecome from Palembang, South Sumatera Indonesia.

general truth/fact should be simple present.

I recently just graduated left from Diponegoro University with the with the Bachelor degree in Psychology. Just Recently, I work straight into a great job as young village development, a program under regulation of the ministry of Sport.

I planned and conducted daily program covert with playing method, and also running a trauma healing class twice a day for 1 month.

The camp situation realizerealizes

Honestly, I don't know what is an appropriate pattern for this letter. Perhaps you can structure this letter as per writing task 2. Lastly, I just suggest you to pay attention with grammar issues. Good luck for your future.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 22, 2014   #7
Dear all of advisers. I try to make a revision. Particularly, the recruiter wants to know the candidate based on experience, qualifications and competencies matching for the applying position.

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"Urip iku Urup" an indigenous Javanese saying is having deep meaning to me. Approximately, it can be translated as Life is enlightening, Life is giving benefit for surrounding. I am always exhilarating when dinner time coming and Bapak, a javanesse greeting for father, started his story about life. Bapak says life is not about connecting, it is more about sharing. If you want to demolish your sadness, the best way is with sharing, similar with the way to increase your happiness.

In my elementary, I remember when Bapak and I were waiting for bus while a gambler pass through to find food in the rubbish bin near the bus stop. At that moment, I have two pieces of donuts and a bottle of mineral water that just we bought. Bapak told me to share my donut to the gambler and say, while you help other, your will get broad mindedness and God will going to help you back in unexpected occasion. As a child, what Bapak says was not make a sense to me, but it is different nowadays. I was helped by a stranger man in the middle of the night when finding Senen Railway station in Jakarta in my first departure. I was afraid that local news informs criminals is increasing at that time, but the man carry me out to the station prior back to his home. This is one of my experiences that encourage me to go through in Bapak said.

In accordance to implement the spirit of the saying, I served as a volunteer for many different places. I had experienced as the volunteer in Grhasia state mental hospital, Yogyakarta. In such volunteering, I experienced how to understand people with mental disabilities and do psychological assessment in their daily activities with observation, interview and projective graphic test method. I improved a lot in the skill of collecting data, and this competency take benefit when I conducting my undergraduate research.

While I did my study, I assisted my lecture in conducting Diponegoro University and ErasmusMC-Medical School join research. The research theme is Disorder of sex development in Indonesia. I was able to assist the researcher with daily activities plan and accommodate the data. Particularly, my responsibility was collecting participants' and parents' primary data from the kindergarten to the university level in Semarang. Besides, I also assisted incoming freshmen in the classes of psychological graphic test. I mentored lower grade students to analyze and make report for Draw a Person test and BAUM test outside the class as lecturer assistant. Meanwhile, I paid for corrector and test administrator in Jasa Psikologi, a psychological service in my campus. The valuable experience that I get is working on time. Once a series of psychological test completed, I should correct and make a report in the next day to the official psychologist. I faced the challenge in amount of the answer sheets with manual correction method. Moreover, it is important for analyzing process to ensure another correctors concluded his or her job under the time constraint.

In the first year, I won the election as the student senate committee as the representative of 2008 classes. I work as the public relation staff who responsible to bridge and announce the reliable information from student to campus administrator and vice versa. Within senate committee I learn a lot how to accommodate many opinions from my peer to campus officers. It continues in my work nowadays, while I under constrict with the government organizational many regulation I faced, I trained how to accommodate the government advisor program to the society. On the other side, I know the field condition where I am on duty. I think I got infrequent opportunity whose raise my way of think in divergent point of views.

I am also a member of Psikologi Hijau, care environmental and social organization. I had been experience volunteering activities in the refugee camp of Merapi eruption in Keji village Muntilan Yogyakarta province in 2010. I run a program to assist children in the trauma healing program. Fortunately, our camp got the aid from UNICEF and Child Fund. My main responsibility was to plan and conduct daily program in purpose of trauma healing. Furthermore, living in the refugee camp with full of eruptions' ash, limited access of water-and-food and the uncertain nature condition realizes me that I love to aid people in emergency. I had trained with natural emergency condition in my volunteering. Hence, I had trained to be braved and tough.

In the same time, I also run and manage and lead the organization as secretary prior elected as the chairman in Psikologi Hijau. From the organizational responsibility, I learn in leadership skill and how to stand in the obstacle that I faced. Therefore, as the main organization activities are held outdoor, such as rafting, mountaineering or high rope outbound training, I am very glad that under my leadership the organizational events record zero accident.

English is my second language, I devote myself to improve my English. I am currently as the contributor in EssayForum.com, an international forum for writing formal essay. Here I am improving my English which become the working language using in United Nation.

However, as the member of human race and I have strong desire of community service, this guide me on helping people in term of social work. Working is not only purpose to get income and actualize myself, but also engaged with self-satisfaction. This is why I convinced my recent work. Currently, I am become a social worker or officially called PSP 3. This working area included empowering local inhabitant and in rural area. After due consideration of self-improvement and my desire to help people, I decided to commence my career to be an international civil servant.

In conclusion, human is developing. I am growing from egg, larva and pupa. I am still complete novice at international career, but I believe within YPP 2014 I am going to a flying butterfly.


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