Significant developments in the field of information technology and its effects for the future

In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by email. However, these developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive in the future.

To what extent do you agree with this view?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Please rate my paper in the form of IELTS exam. Many Thanks.
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It is often said that the advanced Information Technology (IT) has brought drastic improvements in the ways of communication and information collection. However, while IT has made a convenient life to us, it would introduce more adverse impacts in social alienation and juvenile delinquency.

First, it is undeniable that the application of email and World Wide Web constitute an effective platform for education, business and commerce. People are no longer limited to time and location for such activities. Email, for instance, connecting people, especially abroad, more convenient and easier. Furthermore, the usage of World Wide Web has placed the entire world at people fingertips that abundance of information could be browsed anytime and anywhere.

Nevertheless, the development in IT has deteriorated the intrinsic value of human connection. Such computer-based communication platform leads to serious social alienation. According to the social studies report, more than 70% of message delivery relies on body language, tones and facial expression, while only less than 7% of content was delivered via words. The overwhelming application of email would definitely undermine the social connection with degraded verbal skills and human interactions.

Further and even more importantly, World Wide Web provide plethora of information and knowledge without adequate control and governance. People, especially adolescents, will be misled by those improper materials easily. One particularly salient example is that many juveniles were led astray, and participating in drug smuggling and prostitution due to the inappropriate content from the Internet. Thus, the ample and uncontrolled information would lead to many negative effects in social security and teenage education.

In conclusion, it is irrefutable that IT has constructed an unprecedented platform for communication and information exchange, while the more negative impacts are likely to be introduced, such as juvenile delinquency and social alienation. This widespread phenomenon would be worsening unless proper control and stringent legislation imposed.

I would recommend that you watch out for your modifications in the verbs.There were instances sprinkled throughout your essay that it has caused confusion as to what you are truly referring to.

For instance, in your introductory sentence, I would phrase it instead as:
It is often said that the advancement of Information Technology (IT) has brought drastic improvements in the means of communication and information collection.
You cannot use the past tense of advance as somewhat of an adjective to IT in this case because it is a known fact that this is a continuous development. This means that you cannot isolate it to a single event in time, therefore it warrants it this format. I would say that to be able to grasp instances such as this, you would need to focus more on rereading your essay multiple times to determine small mistakes in your language.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to a better transition between your paragraphs. Using neverthelessas a starting word for the entirety of the paragraph is commonly an informal method. Because of this, I would suggest that you omit these words and simply head straight to the point of what the thesis and thoughts of your essay is.

Avoid using redundant language when you are beginning your paragraphs too. For instance, in your fourth paragraph, I would omit either the furtheror the even more importantlybecause they both have the same underlying thought.When doing IELTS exams, remember that you are working with word counts -therefore it should be your goal to optimize the space that you have for your essay.

Apart from these things that are more focused on the structure of your essay, I would also suggest that you look into the technicalities of your writing (usage of preposition, grammar, subject-verb agreement) because you had minor lapses in your essay regarding such, especially in the last portions. To avoid this, simply review more of the fundamental rules that you need to follow for your essay.

I can't give you an exact IELT band score to assess because that is more technical than this. Still, best of luck.