Thewin, try to avoid using the same phrases in the prompt restatement as was used in the original. Your lexical resource and ability to express yourself originally in the English language is first judged in the opening paraphrase. In addition to that, you also must ensure that you avoid writing overly long sentences or run-ons, as you did in the opening paragraph. Remember that there is a 3 sentence minimum for each paragraph. So the proper prompt restatement for this is:A foreigner residing in a different country from his own is believed to suffer several types of adjustment problems pertaining to culture and everyday interactions. This is because he would not be fluent in the native language of the country and as such, would be hindered in his dealings with the locals. I completely agree with this statement based on a few considerations.
When you divide your sentences into short presentations such as the one above, you have a chance to better explain yourself / make yourself understood because each sentence has only one topic / subject for discussion. However, when combined into the paragraph, it creates a complete thought process, which is the basis of the coherence and cohesiveness scoring for the essay. The short presentations also make it clear to the examiner that you not only understood what the topic is about, but also how to discuss it. This increases your TA score immensely as well.
You definitely show a problem in sentence structure and grammar usage in your essay. For example, you cannot say :
It can make the person's life been difficult in that society.
Been connotes something that happened in the past yet you are talking about the present. Therefore, you will be scored down in the GRA section as well because of the improper sentence development. Not only that, but this paragraph in particular was extremely difficult to understand due to improper sentence structure, incoherent statements, and problematic grammar use. Therefore, this section of your essay alone is enough basis for you to not get a passing score for this test. The proper sentence presentation should have been:It can make a person's life difficult in ...
BTW, the default gender in American writing is male the pronoun. So you can use "I, he, him" in reference to the gender. If you want to be gender non-specific though, you may use the terms "them, they" or not mention any gender at all. As an English beginner though, you will do best to stick to the male pronouns when writing. You can go into the more complex gender references as you improve your English writing skills.
As for your conclusion. One run on sentence as presented above, though complete in summary of the discussion, will pull down your score because each topic for discussion must be presented in the summary as a stand alone sentence. This is considered to be another prompt paraphrase presentation so it should still follow the sentence requirement of 3-5 sentences per paragraph in order to garner a better overall scoring consideration.