Is society's overall success more important than individual well being?

GRE AWA practice essay

I wrote this under timed conditions (30 minutes) for GRE AWA practice.
Feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

There is no doubt that the overall success of a society completely depends upon its constituent elements, its citizens, and their well-being. I believe the secret sauce to the success of any society comes from the individual success of the people forming it. There is no point in having a successful society by suppressing its citizens and having a successful face for the world. The origin of the word society comes from people coming together, living in harmony and peace with each other, and also being in solace with themselves.

For example, if we look at the vast history of India, from Aryan Empire to Mughal Empire, India as a whole society was referred to as a golden bird in those times. The resources and people responsible for the success of the society have always been there, but it all boils down to the well-being of the individual citizens. These empires were built upon one crucial element, the betterment of their citizens, finding a way to have them in the economical structure as well as resolving individual problems and social conflicts to the best of their knowledge. It was these workers, merchants, fighters who led to the success of the society as a whole encompassed by brilliant administration that tied these pieces together.

On the contrary, when India was ruled by the British empire, although India went through a process of huge transformation, from railways to industries, the society as a whole was a failure. The people being tormented and not having their peace and well-being led to the world-renowned freedom struggle. After the freedom, jobs were a problem, there was a lack of proper administration and a structure as a whole in the initial days, but the first thing that was restored was individual well-being and this built the foundation for all the success it has today.

We all agree that it is not possible to take into consideration each and everyone in the society as we progress, but making sure that reforms and steps taken for the society as a whole needs to consider the majority and at the same time ensure that it is not hampering minorities either. The merrier and satisfied the citizens are, the stronger is the foundation of the society and the higher the chances of success.

I am not sure about the prompt that you are responding to so I cannot be very accurate in my review of your work. Please provide the prompt next time so I can consider the discussion in a clearer discussion requirement. Anyway, I can still offer a general review of your work which I hope will be helpful to you.

The first paragraph feels highly repetitious and does not get its point across to the reader clearly. Use of creative but non academic phrases such as "secret sauce" make it sound like you are writing a casual rather than formal paper. This deflects from the serious considerations for the discussion that you are trying to present. Next time try to use a more academic reference such as "I believe that the proper formula" or "I believe that the secret to the success", both of which create an academic representation of your thoughts.

With that said, your discussion still seems to be on point and uses relevant examples to support the validity of your opinion / discussion points. You just have to make sure that you stick to more formal academic word usage, avoiding phrases such as "the merrier" and simply stating "The more satisfied..." You are trying to impress the examiner with your vocabulary and English word usage but unfortunately, you are sacrificing the academic tone of the paper in the process.