Essay about general&specific education - Writing IELTS Task 2

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career, which of these two systems is more appropriate in today's world?

secondary schools curriculum

Some secondary school in several countries provide a general education across a range of subjects while students want focus on specific subject related with their future career which they expected. Personally, i feel that focusing on one subject is preferable to general subjects, and i will explain why.

On the one hand, perhaps by learning general subject, the students can solve many problems in the mass based on their knowledge which they got from secondary school. However, school which provide general subject teach too many subjects which sometimes some materials do not have related with their career in the future. Moreover, many students cannot focus on the subjects which they interest. This problems make learning ineffective.

On the other hand, by learning specific subject, students more ready to work because they have learned earlier which relate with their future career. With hoping students accustom to face same problems in the future. In addition, some countries which have good education system such as Germany, Japan, China, and Netherland have applied this method and proving that this method is appropriate for secondary school. Finally, students have choice working directly based on their major or continuing their education to university based on their interest.

In conclusion, i strongly believe that specific subject is more appropriate for secondary school student as learning method. Because the students can learn based on their interest and have related with their future career.

Rizka, your opening paraphrase is too similar to the original and will be failed because of it. Most of the presentation is actually simply a cut and paste of the original prompt and that will be considered plagiarism, which will affect your Task Accuracy score. It will be affected because you have shown evidence of your inability to restate an instruction in your own understanding, using your own words, which is the purpose of the opening statement. Additionally, this is not a comparison essay but rather, a single personal opinion essay. Therefore, your discussion of the essay, which is in comparative form, is another error which will lead to the total failing score of this essay in an actual test.

Here is a sample of a more relevant paraphrase:
Countries these days have 2 types of school systems. The first, allows the student to focus his studies on the development of his knowledge in relation to his chosen career. The other school, teaches the students a variety of subjects instead of focusing on just one specialization like the previously mentioned school. I believe that focusing on subjects in relation to the student's chosen career is the more appropriate education method these days. Let me explain why below.

Since you need to be convincing in your discussion, you must avoid using descriptive words such as "perhaps", which indicates an indecision on the part of the writer. Since you are being asked to choose one side to discuss, you must do so with an air of authority and belief in your statement. Saying words like, "I believe" and "I am convinced" would do that in the paragraph. Additionally, you cannot start a sentence with the connecting word "Because". Rather, you should simply have started with "Students can learn based on..." instead.

I could praphrase the introduction in this following sentences below:
In several nations, students are taught many subjects to meet secondary schools' purpose which aims to provide a general education. In others, children just concentrate on studying some necessary subjects for their future occupations. From my personal standpoint, the second initiative is more of significance.

You do not have to state " and I will explain why", I think it is quite informal.
In general, you need to focus on one main topic sentence in each paragraph, which will help you increaae your coherence and cohesion.