Spend money on long last thing or spend on short term pleasure;e.g. buying jewelry or takin vacation

Hello everyone! This is a topic of TOEFL. I have got two very poor scores in the past exams, so please help me. Thanks a lot!!

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As the increasing accumulation of our wealth, we have several ways to spend our money. Different choices made by different people for different purposes. Some people may buy things that can last for long time and maybe increase in value in the future. Some of them may spend money on things can bring them happiness but can't last for a long time. In my opinion, I prefer to choose to spend money on short term pleasure.

First, the money is earned by my own effort. So I prefer spend money on thing that can make happy immediately. For example, I want to spend money on buying headphones. I am a really big fun of music as well as the headphones. When I have money I will buy a couple of new headphones in order to listen to the music more comfortable. That will make me feel relax, so I can embrace the coming challenges in the work. Additionally, I also want to spend money on vacations. Because my family members and I can have a really good time together during the vacations. We all work busy, so the vacation can give us a chance to communicate and have fun. It's worth to spend money on things like these.

However, some people may say that you should spend the money on things which can long last. Most people spend money on long last thing because they think the things they bought can increase in value in the future. This kind of things can make your money produce money as well, so that is a really good investment. I can't fully agree with this view. Firstly, the thing you buy for investment may be not become as expensive as you think in the future or even they may devalue. Furthermore, if you spend money for investment, the process cannot give you pleasure, therefore, you may live in a boring and heavy-pressure life. I have a relative who always buy something for investment, and he worked really hard to make money. Fortunately he really bought something that became really expensive after he bought, such as stamps, paints and so on. Unfortunately, however, because he work hard and stayed at late almost everyday to finish his job, he had a really bad health situation and he spend most of his money on medicines. So why not spend money for fun initially.

In a nut shell, I prefer to spend money on thing that can make me happy immediately, so I can enjoy my life and I can understand why I earn the money and what should I effort for in the future.

With the increasing amount of wealth, we have several ways to spend our money. There are several choices you can make, each appealing to a different group of people . Some people might buy things that last a long time or increase in value. Others might spend money on things that can bring them short-term happiness . In my opinion, I prefer to choose to spend money on the latter .

Being an international student, let me tell you that it's not necessarily what you say but how you say it. What you really need to do is first, fix up your grammatical mistakes. Also make sure you have good transitions into the next paragraph or idea. I provided a new example for the first paragraph. It fixes a lot a grammatical mistakes and makes it sound less awkward. Get a parent to look over it as well, particularly your grammar and language. Good luck!

- Hanyue, this introduction would have passed even with the grammatical errors had you not forgotten one important thing, you forgot to restate the prompt for the essay in a paraphrased manner before you presented your opinion on the matter. So as a thesis statement, this introduction is incomplete and would affect your overall grade.


- Your reasoning in this aspect is shallow and you spend all of the paragraph discussing only your point of view. To bring a better balance to this essay, you need to discuss the opposing side or at least mention it in a sentence or two so that you can refute the opposing statement and in the process, make your statement look like the stronger, more correct one.


- Don't forget, some people enjoy investing their money in the long term. Whether positive or negative in result, they enjoy spending their money in this manner. So you cannot really insist that these people are unhappy or that investing money is bad for everyone's health. While you presented your uncle as an example, the reality is that the reader will take your comment collectively and will end up offending some people. So choose your words and try to use a better example that might not hurt others.

Your summary is flawed because it should only restate the prompt, provide a summary of the facts, and finally, present your opinion as the closing sentence.

I hope that you will find my comments useful and that you will come back here with the next draft of your essay :-)

Those are really helpful! Thank you very very much!!Thank you !!