Unanswered [4] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   5

Spend more time on personal enjoyment or do what people should do?


Aug 16, 2011   #1
It's a TOEFL topic.
Please give me some advice to revise this article, thank you!

Nowadays, there is a growing recognition that people spend more time on enjoyment than the jobs they should do. But from where I stand, this two are not paradox. Compared to those who lived in the past, people nowadays have to deal with more issues, which make them stressful and anxious. So it's obvious that people need a way to release their stress. On the other hand, if people can arrange their time properly, and have their work done with efficiency. Its make sense for people to explore the pleasure of life.

With the rapid development of the society, a large amount of works are offered to people, which bring them depression and mental diseases. Therefore, relaxation is the right choice to release. People usually go for a trip on vacation, play PC games like Angry Bird and Doodle Jump, and play basketball with their friends as if they were back to their childhood. In fact, personal enjoyment is an indispensable part of people's life, which plays a crucial role in modern society.

Further more, as long as people dispose time suitably, they won't affected by personal enjoyments; on the contrary, they can form good habits through dealing things in an efficient way. When I was in high school, I began to manage my study, which used to be my parents job. At first I did it awful. Spending all my time to be a coach potato, I fell behind my classmates and become lack of confidence. Then I talked to my parents and got fabulous advice by them. I made a study schedule that put all the entertainment back behind the study and did all the project and paper as quick as I can. When the end of the semester came, I became one of the top 100 students. In the meantime, I still have time to play Red Alert.

So I'd like t say "without either one, the society would not be complete"

Its makeit makes sense for people to explore the pleasure of life.
a large amount of works work, which bringbrings them depression and mental diseases
Aug 17, 2011   #3
Nowadays, there is a growing recognition that people spend more time on enjoymentsrather than the jobs they should do. ButHowever, from where I stand, this two are not paradox. Compared to thosepeople who lived in the past, people nowadaysthey have to deal with more issues at present, which make them stressful and anxious. So it's obvious thatObviously people need a way to release their stress. On the other hand, if people can arrange their time properly, and have their work done with efficiencyand finish thier works efficently,Its it make sense for people to explore the pleasure of life.
Aug 23, 2011   #5
Nowadays, there is a growing recognition that people spend more time on enjoyment than the jobs they should do. But from where I stand, this two areis not a paradox.

With the rapid development of the society,

Therefore, relaxation is the right choice tofor release. OrTherefore relaxation is necessary.
Further more, as long as people dispose time suitably, they won't be affected by personal enjoyments; on the contrary, they can form good habits through dealing with things in an efficient way.

When I wasWhile in high school I began to manage my study time , which used to be my parents job. At first I did it awful. ISpendingspent all my time to beas a coach potato, I fell behind my classmates and becomebegan to lose of confidence. Then I talked to my parents gave meand got fabulous advice by them . Following their suggestion I made a study schedule that put all the entertainment back behind the study and did all the projects and papers as quickquickly (Orefficiently ) as I cancould . When the end of the semester came I becamewas one of the top 100 students. In the meantime I have still foundhave time to play Red Alert.

So I'd like to say "without either one, the society would not be complete".

It seemed that you started off strong and then began to rush a little. Were you on a time limit? Your personal experience creates a good point and you've stuck with the topic. There are some jumps in tense and some grammatical errors that make it a little hard to follow. You also might want to expand your conclusion. I hope this helps and good luck :)


Home / Writing Feedback / Spend more time on personal enjoyment or do what people should do?