Spending money promoting a healthy lifestyle, or on the treatment of people who are already ill?

This is a first time i write ilets task 2. Please help me improve my writing skill. Thanks a lot!

Discussion on:
It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill.

To what extent do you agree of disagree?

Some people suggest that it would be good for patients to spend the budget on treatment more than spend it on preventing from diseases. In my opinion, spreading a healthy style play a important role to improve and protect both mental and physical health.

On the one hand, there are some reasons that it is important for people to be treat by the budget when they get sick more than take advantage of it into prevention. The first reason, many income-low countries, most individuals spend their entire time on earning money to survive so that they have not found the importance of prevention. Another reason, a heathy style such as physical activities, balance diets or confortable mental heath help us prevent from both communicable and non-communicable diseases. But, They do not offer results clearly and people do not see it directly. On contrast, If a surgery is succeed, it will be recognized immediately.

On the other hand, in my opinion. The medicine industry is divided 2 branches: treatment and prevention. It is so essential for people that nothing is possible to replace. However, If a country concentrate on more the prevention, it will develop significantly. Because of according some existing reputable surveys show that expenditures providing the treatment are ten times the prevention. In addition, the prevention from diseases is at heath-related risk safer than the treatment. Due not to suffer from a surgery which is always better than it happen even if successful

In conclusion. Although, many people still want to use the budget for treatment. but, I personally support that spending public money on advertising healthy activities is always better spend it on curing.

Hello!!

You have some good ideas. There is scope for improvement though. I would suggest reading and watching English soaps and movies to get a hang of words and grammar. A few corrections are given below that I would suggest.

1) One glaring mistake I find in the essay is regarding the money involved. The question is speaking about "public money" which would imply the money the government uses and not from an individual citizen's/patient's pocket.

2) Since you agree that spending funds on prevention is better than for treatment, allot most of your essay supporting this argument. It's a good idea to show why the opposite thought prevails as well but I would suggest to keep it to the minimum.

3) Always organize your ideas in your mind and then start your essay.
Pros of Funds in Preventive measures - Less cost compared to the other, Less suffering and mortality among citizens if emphasis is on prevention, Better utilization of resources benefitting all citizens, etc .

Support these ideas with examples if possible - If the Government is investing in parks in local communities, people benefit physically through area available for walking and exercising. It also helps them to be in a good mental state by enjoying fresh air, trees, etc. This helps to reduce non communicable diseases like Diabetes, hypertension and depression.

When you give an example, it solidifies your statement with proof.

Keep practicing and use the above tools mentioned to improve on your grammar.
Good Luck! :)

thank you for your correction much
i am a 6-year student in medical university. I just take a first ilets course and this first essay is mine. so hope that when i post new ones which will be got your correction

Hello,
@DoctorWho has commented carefully on the content of your essay and I completely agree with @DoctorWho. Still, I would like to point out a few mistakes that you have made associated with your grammar. These errors can lower your score so I recommend paying more attention to your writing. You should spend at least 5-10 minutes to check your grammar and your vocabulary after you have finished an essay. This will help you to have a more wonderful and error-free essay.

In the second paragraph:
- "...people to be treat TREATED by the budget..." ( You should use the passive voice here.)

- "The first reason, IN many income-low LOW-INCOME countries,...( In English, an adj always comes before a noun, if it comes behind, then there must be a verb between the adj and the noun, eg: income is low)

- ... entire time on earning money..." ( There's no need for an adj here because this is a phrasal verb: spend time doing sth)

( I think your idea: in poor countries, individuals spend their entire time earning money is not quite logical. You can change that sentence to " The first reason is that some individuals these days spend most of their time ... countries, especially in low-income ones)

- Another reason, a heathy HEALTHY style ... or confortable COMFORTABLE mental heath HEALTHY...( You have misspelled some of your vocabularies here.)

- On contrast ON THE CONTRARY/ BY CONTRAST/ IN CONTRAST, if a surgery is succeedS, it will ... ( There is no " on contrast" in the dictionary. Surgery is an uncountable noun so you shouldn't have put an article before it. Additionally, the word "succeed" is already a verb so no need for a verb "to be"

In the third paragraph:
- "... industry is divided INTO 2 branches..." ( You should use an adj here: divide into sth)
- "... nothing is possible to replace." ( Possible to replace what?)
That's all from me. I hope you will be more careful with your grammar and spelling.
Hope your next essay will be successful.