Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 5


IELTS TASK 2: Stagnation in Health and fitness



zjxhz 5 / 13  
Apr 14, 2014   #1
The task:
In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Thanks for your feedback in advance :) it would be great to have a guess of what band this assay can reach, my target is 7 and I know there is still a long way to go.

My essay:
Technologies are evolving while people's health and fitness are not. Nowadays there is less physical work comparing to decades ago, many people spend a big amount of time sitting in front of a computer and doing almost nothing at all.

To reach a place, you don't have to walk or ride a horse, both public transportation and private cars are popular choices. However, the traffic has been a long existing issue which prevents vehicles from working efficiently. This makes people have less leisure time and it is even worse that people are tend to work longer due to intense competition so that there is little personal time left, the time that could have been spent on physical exercises.

So what measures can be taken to solve these issues? On one hand, of course, the government should increase budget on building more public infrastructure to encourage people to do more sport. On the other hand, public transportation and road condition should be optimised so that people will spend less time on the way to work or home.

But it will always take time to make this happen. As an individual, there are things that we can do as well. For example, instead of driving a car, consider riding a bicycle or even jogging to work. This is quite feasible for distances within 10 KMs. Clever employers should encourage their employees by financially supporting their sport activities to get them out of the office, who have been sitting down for too long.

To sum, health and fitness is important to human being as it makes people work and live happier. It will be a collective effort from the government, companies and individuals. For individuals, going out and doing workout may seem tough, but it will soon become a joy when you are used to it.

ammus1 10 / 29  
Apr 14, 2014   #2
Try to write a good hook and u didn't say what u r going to say in further paragraphs in the introduction. Follow dumi's instruction for essay structure and try to read good essays , it would help u a lot
Abdurasul 32 / 78  
Apr 14, 2014   #3
Your essay seems good, but almost you haven't used any specific linking words! Try to use them! It will also have impact on your score.

it would be great to have a guess of what band this assay can reach, my target is 7 and I know there is still a long way to go.

We can't give you definitive band scores. If we do, you will put a great deal of trust on us, If we do give you band scores that are not reflected in your eventual IELTS test results, you may well build up unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, disappointment for you.

We focus on recommending ways how you can improve your different skills - that is a much more useful way to help you to improve your language ability and therefore, your test results.

If you want to take IELTS exam as early as possible, please pay particular attention to grammar and whole points in the table of IELTS writing descriptors.
- eddies
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1170  
Apr 14, 2014   #4
Technologies are evolving while people's health and fitness are not. Nowadays there is less physical work comparing to decades ago, many people spend a big amount of time sitting in front of a computer and doing almost nothing at all.

A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. It is always better to state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly.
OP zjxhz 5 / 13  
Apr 15, 2014   #5
try to read good essays

Nisha, thanks for your comments. Do you know where I can find good essays to read?


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Stagnation in Health and fitness
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳