Please help me improve this essay for descriptive writing, all help is appreciated
The start of a marathon
As the orange ball of fire rises up over the Dubai auto drone, it unravels the excitement of the 20k marathon, taking place. Surprisingly, even the parking lot (which was as big as two football stadiums) was not enough to accommodate the massive crowd that were eager to watch this spectacular event taking place. Chilly breeze of the winter monsoon forced the martial to order for another track inspection, which delayed the marathon further.
All of the participants now began doing various dynamic stretches making sure they do not pull a muscle during the race. Assistants were holding a pen and a notepad in their hand, ticking off the participant's number tag with the register. People from all over the world coming from various different nationalities were all participating in the marathon, it did not matter who you were or where you're from, all the participants were treated equally.
Food trucks filled the scene where the race was going to begin. Overpriced food and snacks gave the customers a hard decision to make, whether to buy the juicy mouthwatering rib eye steak or something else that was cheaper. Most of the customers the cotton candy stall, the alluring pink hazed cotton candy made the children's eye water. Desolately, the overflowing dustbins were not a sight for sore eyes. Numerous plastic plates and empty water bottles gave the cleaners a challenge after the event concluded.
Within a split second the crowd started cheering and shouting with joy, the cheers erupted like an auditory volcano, it was all quiet one second and then deafening the next. David Beckham had just arrived (at the auto drone) to witness the exhilaration of this long anticipated marathon. He was allocated to a special area to be isolated from the crowd where he could perceive the action from there.
Through the deafening speakers came an announcement for the spectators to take a seat as the marathon was finally going to begin. Contestants now had the fire of incentive burning inside to accomplish the 20K marathon. Making sure their shoelaces were double knotted, the challengers took their places on the track like a herd of wilder beasts waiting for the migration season. His hand was raised. The martial held his dark brown revolver raised high up. Everyone's heart was racing; the contestants were sweating even before the race had commenced. "A runner's marathon will forever be imprinted in their mind," said the martial before he pulled the trigger.
Hearts were pounding as if it attempted to break out of the rib cage; the 20k race had finally begun. Winning the gold medal was the desire the contestants had which gave them an extra push to get a good lead at the start of the race. "10 more kilometers left" said a voice that came out of the speakers. A man with an Italian flagged t-shirt had a clear lead over everyone else, but there were a few participants that could not finish the race and had collapsed to the floor due to dehydration.
Due to the winter monsoon the runners all had chapped lips at the end of the race, stiff legs made the participants sit down and the hard and inconsistent breathing soon became calmer. Volunteers approached the finish line holding large crates filled with water and energy drinks. Fatigue had overwhelmed the participants and a nice chilly drink was what they needed. Prizes were handed out quickly to the three winners along with the (10,000 AED) prize money for first place.
Hey Kevin ! I really like the way that you wrote this essay. It is highly descriptive and only needs a slight grammar edit in order to make it work. If you want to further improve the essay, the only critique that I can give you, which is really just plain nitpicking at this point, is that you clarify if you were a participant in the marathon or if you were only an observer. If you were an observer, then make sure to describe where you were located as you were observing the race. If you were a participant, then use the pronoun I or me when you describe how the events unfolded. Use the first person pronouns in order to further bring a personal connection to the events and yourself. Also, since these events have already happened, you should use the past tense word references throughout the essay. That said, here are my revisions for the content or word shortcomings of the essay.
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As the orange ball of fire rises ROSE up over the Dubai auto drone, it unravels UNRAVELED the excitement of the 20k marathon, taking place. Surprisingly, even the parking lot (which was as big as two football stadiums) was not enough to accommodate the massive crowd that were eager to watch this spectacular event taking place. THE C chilly breeze of the winter monsoon forced the martial to order for another track inspection, which delayed the marathon further.
COMMENT: WHY WAS THE INSPECTION NECESSARY? PLEASE GIVE A MENTION AS TO WHY IT WAS NEEDED IN ORDER TO GIVE THE ACTION A MEANING IN RELATION TO THE MARATHON.
All of the participants now began doing various dynamic stretches making sure they TO do not pull a muscle during the race. Assistants were holding a pen and a notepad in their handS, ticking off the participant's number tag with the register. People from all over the world coming from various different nationalities were all participating in the marathon, it did not matter who you were or where you're WERE from, all the participants were treated equally.
Food trucks filled the scene where the race was going to begin. Overpriced food and snacks gave the customers a hard decision to make, MADE IT HARD FOR THE CUSTOMERS TO DECIDE whether to buy the juicy mouthwatering rib eye steak or something else that was cheaper. Most of the customers OPTED FOR the cotton candy stall, SINCE the alluring pink hazed cotton candy made the children's eye water. Desolately, t The overflowing dustbins were not a sight for sore eyes. Numerous plastic plates and empty water bottles gave the cleaners a challenge after the event concluded.
Within a split second , the crowd started cheering and shouting with joy, the cheers erupted like an auditory volcano, it was all quiet one second MOMENT and then deafening the next. David Beckham had just arrived (at the auto drone) to witness the exhilaration of this long anticipated marathon. He was allocated to a special area to be isolated from the crowd where he could perceive ESCORTED TO THE VIP SECTION OF THE AUTO DRONE WHERE HE COULD WATCH the action from there WITHOUT FANS DISTURBING HIM.
Through the deafening speakers came an announcement for the spectators to take a seat TAKE THEIR SEATS as the marathon was finally going to begin. Contestants now had the fire of incentive burning inside WITHIN THEM to accomplish the 20K marathon. Making sure their shoelaces were double knotted, the challengers took their places on the track like a herd of wilder beasts waiting for the migration season. His hand was raised. THE MARTIAL RAISED HIS HAND. The martial held his HE RAISED HIS HAND HOLDING THE dark brown revolver raised high up. Everyone's heart was racing; the contestants were sweating even before the race had commenced. "A runner's marathon will forever be imprinted in their mind," said the martial before he pulled the trigger.
Hearts were pounding as if it attempted ATTEMPTING to break out of the rib cage; the 20k race had finally begun. Winning the gold medal was the desire the contestants had which gave them an extra push to get a good lead at the start of the race. "10 more kilometers left" said a voice that cameout OVER of the speakers. A man with an Italian flagged t-shirt had a clear lead over everyone else, but there were a few participants that could WHO DID not finish the race and had collapsed to the floor ON THE TRACKS due to dehydration.
Due to the winter monsoon , the runners all had chapped lips at the end of the race, stiff legs made the participants sit down and the hard and inconsistent breathing soon became calmer. Volunteers approached the finish line holding large crates filled with water and energy drinks. Fatigue had overwhelmed the participants and a nice chilly ED drink was what they needed. Prizes were handed out quickly to the three winners along with the (10,000 AED) prize money for first place.
