TOEFL ; Staying with a host family is better than staying with friends

Hi! this is my writing practice for TOEFL writing.
I'm sooo bad at writing...:((
Hope somebody can give some advice to my essay:) Thank you!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Staying with a host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends?

I strongly agree with the opinion that staying with host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.
The major reason for my belief is that you will be able to learn so many things if you stay with a host family.
To make it clear,I would like to cite an experience that I had when I was an exchange student in the U.S. in 2010.

I stayed with my host mother,sister and two cats.My host family loved taking me to places where I had never been.
They took me to many restaurants,festivals,a school which host mother teaches,and so on.
Wherever place they took me,I loved it.
Of couse,sharing an apartment with friends has an advantage in that it is more fun to be with friends all the time.
However,I would not have been able to learn deeply about the culture if I had not stayed with a host family,as the example shows,

It is clearly more valuable than sharing an apartment with friends.

Additionally,staying with a host family is safer.
To take an example,whenever I asked my host family to let me hang out with my friends.They always asked me who I hang out with,when and where so that they will know where I am and if I had encountered some trouble,it is easier for them to find and rescue me.

Whereas If I had stayed with friends,they would probably do not care about me as much as host family so that nobody will find and rescue me when I had encounterd some trouble.

As the above example shows,I am more protected and safer if I stayed with a host family.
In conclusion,I definitely agree with the idea that staying with a host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.

Thanks again for taking time to reading my essay!I look forward to get some advice!

You have shown good points although I would not agree with you saying that friends would not care as much as a host family would. If they don't, then they can hardly be called friends. lol.

It would be nicer to see this essay in paragraphs. Its a little annoying to be reading it like this.

Hi uew37;
It's really difficult to understand your paragraphs and it is a bit of an issue. You need to clearly separated paragraphs that include Introduction, Body paras and the Conclusion. When your essay looks messy, the examiner gets distracted and be less impressed. So do your marks :D

Have a look at the TOEFL essays posted on this site and get an idea about the essay structure. I can see you write well and get the fullest advantage of your skill :)

You should write an TOELF essay according to TOELF OG.
You may need to read the books before writing. Hope to see your well essay soon.

I'm sorry for making you annoyed...I should have not posted my essay on this page.It was too early.I'll read some examples. Thank you for your advice

Not at all... :D
We only wanted to help you improve :)
The expected structure should at least contain 4 paras with introduction, body paras and conclusion. Introduction should introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion. Body paras should contain one reason why hold that opinion and a candid example for that reason. Then you should sum up everything what you said in your conclusion and re-instate your opinion.

I can see that you write very well. Post your essays here and get real good feedback from our members :)

To be honest, this is one of the better TOEFL essays I've seen content wise. However, you really need to clean up the bunch of paragraphs you have.

I have somewhat formatted your essay into paragraphs.

I strongly agree with the opinion that staying with host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.

The major reason for my belief is that you will be able to learn so many things if you stay with a host family. To make it clear,I would like to cite an experience that I had when I was an exchange student in the U.S. in 2010. I stayed with my host mother,sister and two cats. My host family loved taking me to places where I had never been. They took me to many restaurants,festivals, a school which host mother teaches,and so on. Wherever place they took me, I loved it. Of course, sharing an apartment with friends has an advantage in that it is more fun to be with friends all the time. However,I would not have been able to learn deeply about the culture if I had not stayed with a host family,as the example shows, It is clearly more valuable than sharing an apartment with friends.

Additionally, staying with a host family is safer. To take an example, whenever I asked my host family to let me hang out with my friends. They always asked me who I hang out with,when and where so that they will know where I am and if I had encountered some trouble, it is easier for them to find and rescue me. Whereas If I had stayed with friends, they would probably do not care about me as much as host family so that nobody will find and rescue me when I had encounterd some trouble. As the above example shows, I am more protected and safer if I stayed with a host family.

In conclusion, I definitely agree with the idea that staying with a host family is better than sharing an apartment with friends.

Your content is good and your examples are well developed, now, all you have to do it 'polish' it.

hai...

You have some good points..
It is better to see in paragraphs..
It is not well organized too...
Work hard..
You can do it

Tessy

Thank you so much everyone!You all are so nice:)

Thank you so much,alicederp!
You're the nicest person:) I'll practice writing more!