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Students eager to traveling and earning more money instead of studying continuously

ngoccamtu323 1 / -  
Jul 27, 2018   #1

A gap year off disadvantages/advantages


It is true that after graduating from school there are many young people choose to employ or to come to new countries instead of attending academic programmes. Although, this may have several advantages, I believe that the drawbacks are greater than the merits.

On the one hand, getting a job or coming to new nations after graduating is bebeficial in some ways. Firstly, through travelling time teenagers might discover new places, gain knowledge about new cultures, make more new friends and all of these new things make the life more interesting and liveable. Secondly, start earning money early makes young people gaining experiences, this leads to high income and improves the quality of life. Finally, many young people who have been involved in working environment early might get more financial independence due to the fact that they can pay for their own study fees or even their own house.

On the other hand, I would argue that the benefits are outweighed by the negative impacts. The first prominent justification is that they might waste one year owning to the fact that they will graduate behind their peers and get later jobs. Furthermore, teenagers who are so eager when travelling and earning more money from one year off may become stress or be put under pressure at the time returning to school because they can not re-adapt to the academic environment. In addition, discontinue studying leads to higher drop out rate, higher unemployment rate and hinder the ecomnomy.

In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, it is obvious to acknowledge the dominant drawbakcs of this tendency, but the possible merits of going somewhere different or stating a career should not be overlooked.

Please help me to correct the mistakes and feel free to share your own ideas about this topic.
Thank for your attention.

smally01 9 / 34 14  
Jul 27, 2018   #2
Hi ngoccamtu323, I wish I could write as good as you do...

So forgive me if I was wrong.

When I read your introduction paragraph, it sounds to me that student will not going to continue their study in the university after graduated from school (high school?).

the statement "In addition, discontinue studying leads to higher ...", my assumption is that student take the year off so that it will not see as 'dropout'... sorry maybe it happen on other countries...

In the conclusion paragraph, do you think if you change little bit the order of the sentences would help reader to better understand your stand point? Say you remind reader do not overlook the merits first and emphasis the drawbacks to end your essay.

I'm a bad writer or maybe a bad reader too so if you find my ideas are nonsense please just ignore that.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,827 2622  
Jul 27, 2018   #3
Phan, the first thing that I noticed about this essay is that you did not take care of your vocabulary presentation. You do know that you are being scored on spelling accuracy as well as vocabulary use right? So when you make obvious mistakes in your spelling, then you do not correct it, you are giving the examiner a reason to lower your LR score. Since you are considered an ESL writer, you should avoid these mistakes which could lower your score in any criteria because that is how you end up failing the test. You have several errors in the spelling of English words in this essay such as bebeficial and drawbakcs. I mean really, you could have easily caught these mistakes and corrected them. This makes it obvious that you did not bother to spend time editing and proof reading your content prior to submission. You should always allot at least 5 minutes to edit your draft essay. Don't ever consider the draft or first writing the final version. Leaving these correctable mistakes is what will pull down your score immensely.

All of your paragraphs are also under developed in terms of cohesiveness and coherence. That is because you only present several discussion topics, but you never really thresh out your explanation. You are being scored on your ability to be able to explain your line of reasoning in English. Which is why there is a single topic per paragraph limitation in place for the 3 body paragraphs. You are not being scored on your knowledge of the topic. You are being given a score based on your ability to fully explain what you mean based on your chosen reasons. One topic per paragraph, fully explained in 3-5 sentences. That is the deal you have to meet in the Task 2 presentations.

Don't get me wrong, all of your reasons are strong, but not really supportive if your stance because there are not supporting explanations or examples to prove that you have the right opinion. Since this is a comparison essay. You could have approached the body of paragraphs / reasoning as follows:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning
3. Justification / example presented in 2 sentences. Use the final sentence as the transition / introduction to the next topic. This gives you a 5 sentence paragraph.

Use the above format for each topic reason and you will have a fully coherent, cohesive, and well structured sentences in each paragraph. Strive to present a balanced mix of simple to complex sentences. Right now, due to the lack of paragraph development, you have more simple rather than complex sentences presented.

Be clear in your discussions. Try to present more properly worded sentences that do not stress the reader. An example of a stressful sentence from your essay is:

Furthermore, teenagers who are so eager when travelling ...

The reason the above sentence has become stressful to read is because you tried to combine 2 separate ideas into one long sentence, hoping it would result in a complex sentence when all you did was create an overly long / run-on sentence. A better way of presenting these information would have been:

Additionally, teenagers who take a year off may become stressed out or find themselves under pressure to return to school. Since it will be difficult for them to re-adapt to the school setting...

Pay attention to the concluding summary requirements. None of the following were presented in your concluding paragraph (in no particular order):
1. Topic for discussion
2. Prompt restatement
3. Summarized reasoning from the body of paragraphs
4. Opinion
5. Closing sentence

Your opening paragraph also does not follow the required 3-5 sentence paraphrasing requirement. It should have been presented as:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding students who take a year long sabbatical between secondary and tertiary education. These students often decide to take a trip to other countries or, they decide to try their hand at working in an actual job for a year. While others believe that there are advantages to a year long vacation from school, I believe that there are more disadvantages to this vacation system for the student.

Often, a simple 3 sentence restatement of the original prompt, based on your understanding, is already acceptable as a complete prompt paraphrase and will be scored accordingly.

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