Phan, the first thing that I noticed about this essay is that you did not take care of your vocabulary presentation. You do know that you are being scored on spelling accuracy as well as vocabulary use right? So when you make obvious mistakes in your spelling, then you do not correct it, you are giving the examiner a reason to lower your LR score. Since you are considered an ESL writer, you should avoid these mistakes which could lower your score in any criteria because that is how you end up failing the test. You have several errors in the spelling of English words in this essay such as bebeficial and drawbakcs. I mean really, you could have easily caught these mistakes and corrected them. This makes it obvious that you did not bother to spend time editing and proof reading your content prior to submission. You should always allot at least 5 minutes to edit your draft essay. Don't ever consider the draft or first writing the final version. Leaving these correctable mistakes is what will pull down your score immensely.
All of your paragraphs are also under developed in terms of cohesiveness and coherence. That is because you only present several discussion topics, but you never really thresh out your explanation. You are being scored on your ability to be able to explain your line of reasoning in English. Which is why there is a single topic per paragraph limitation in place for the 3 body paragraphs. You are not being scored on your knowledge of the topic. You are being given a score based on your ability to fully explain what you mean based on your chosen reasons. One topic per paragraph, fully explained in 3-5 sentences. That is the deal you have to meet in the Task 2 presentations.
Don't get me wrong, all of your reasons are strong, but not really supportive if your stance because there are not supporting explanations or examples to prove that you have the right opinion. Since this is a comparison essay. You could have approached the body of paragraphs / reasoning as follows:
1. Topic sentence
3. Justification / example presented in 2 sentences. Use the final sentence as the transition / introduction to the next topic. This gives you a 5 sentence paragraph.
Use the above format for each topic reason and you will have a fully coherent, cohesive, and well structured sentences in each paragraph. Strive to present a balanced mix of simple to complex sentences. Right now, due to the lack of paragraph development, you have more simple rather than complex sentences presented.
Be clear in your discussions. Try to present more properly worded sentences that do not stress the reader. An example of a stressful sentence from your essay is:
Furthermore, teenagers who are so eager when travelling ...
The reason the above sentence has become stressful to read is because you tried to combine 2 separate ideas into one long sentence, hoping it would result in a complex sentence when all you did was create an overly long / run-on sentence. A better way of presenting these information would have been:Additionally, teenagers who take a year off may become stressed out or find themselves under pressure to return to school. Since it will be difficult for them to re-adapt to the school setting...
Pay attention to the concluding summary requirements. None of the following were presented in your concluding paragraph (in no particular order):
1. Topic for discussion
2. Prompt restatement
3. Summarized reasoning from the body of paragraphs
5. Closing sentence
Your opening paragraph also does not follow the required 3-5 sentence paraphrasing requirement. It should have been presented as:There is an ongoing discussion regarding students who take a year long sabbatical between secondary and tertiary education. These students often decide to take a trip to other countries or, they decide to try their hand at working in an actual job for a year. While others believe that there are advantages to a year long vacation from school, I believe that there are more disadvantages to this vacation system for the student.
Often, a simple 3 sentence restatement of the original prompt, based on your understanding, is already acceptable as a complete prompt paraphrase and will be scored accordingly.