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What students did after leaving college, without job? Describing The Graph.

syita_arc 1 / -  
Apr 12, 2017   #1
please comment, check, and correct vocabulary and grammer

Graduated and non graduated students seeking work

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did afterleaving college in 2008.

The two bar charts compare data on different in the amount of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

In general, the number of UK graduate and postgraduate students who follow further study are highest at other options of excluding full-time work, the number of graduate students reached 29.665 students and the number of postgraduate students reached 2.725 students. Both of numbers are the most significant destination in England.

More specifically, the number of UK postgraduate students who took on part-time work is reached 2.535 students. It is less than the number of UK graduate students that showed 17.735 students. The number of UK graduate students or UK postgraduate students who did voluntary work is not too much, only 3.500 of the number of postgraduate students and 345 students from the amount of UK graduate students and then unemployment of graduate and postgraduate in 2008 reached the number of 16.235 people from the UK graduate students and 1.625 people from the UK postgraduate students.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,630 3477  
Apr 13, 2017   #2
Sytia, the first comment that I have is with regards to the context of your sentences and paragraphs. the lack of English language knowledge and weakness in sentence structure and grammar causes a significant amount of stress for the reader. That is because the topic of your sentences are always unclear and are hard to define by a simple once over reading. Even multiple readings leave the reader still wondering about the point and accuracy of your statements. Another problem with your presentation, when compared to the actual graph, is that you present the figures in decimal points, when the actual figures are delivered to the reader in thousands using a comma. always use the same presentation as the original since you are supposed to be presenting an accurate summary of what is being presented to you. Changing the format format from the original will result in a mark down of your Task Accuracy score.

Your overview summary at the start does not deliver a complete presentation because it is only one sentence long. There is also a redundancy as your first and second sentences are exact replicas of one another. Since there is no change in the information presented, it would seem that an error or a lack of proof reading occurred on your end, which would be another reason to lower the overall score.

There is a lack of proper sentence development in your paragraphs because you do not use full stops in your paragraphs. Perhaps you were not informed that there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph during your class? The sentence structuring will result in another point deduction for you because the improperly formatted paragraphs cause additional stress upon the reader, who is not allowed a chance to properly process and differentiate between presented information. Avoid using commas whenever possible and opt to use a full stop instead.

I won't score this essay for now, mostly because this is your first try and you have room for improvement. I look forward to scoring your next practice test though. Keep writing!
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Apr 16, 2017   #3
Hi Syita, I have read your writing closely and found a few improvement you have needed.
Firstly, you have to afford to distinguish among kind of words. There was a word which you put a noun, but you located an adjective. That is a minor error, but it can reduce your score if you do many times. Following that, you are supposed to add the article "the" on condition that you wanna write a superlative word. Please, you deal with them to maximize your score.

After that, keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least three sentences. You have to meet the requirement to create coherence and cohesion better. Apart from that, you have difficulty to achieve a high score. I only give you score less than 6 because you played safely. I suggest you make comparisons in the body paragraphs. However, there is more likely to list the data. You should compare the figures directly to reach the high score. One of the prompts in the writing task 1 is presenting comparisons.

Make sure that you have written the overview in the writing task 1 because it is essential to reach the good score. It can show the interesting trend which happens in the bar chart. You can write that in the introductory paragraph.

Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing this.
Ahmadham 4 / 11 7  
Apr 21, 2017   #4
Syita, After reading your essay, it seems that your are not familiar enough with the writing task I format commonly used. In general, Writing task consists of 4 essential components. They are introduction, overview, details 1 and details 2 which can be written into three paragraphs. Introduction and interview are in paragraph one, details 1 is in paragraph 2, and details 2 is in paragraph 3. In introduction, the writer is asked to paraphrase the prompt given by writing sentences having similar meaning to the prompt while the general pattern of data is an overview. The overview should represent the data in general and it is not only the data showing the highest and the lowest rate. Prior writing the detail paragraph, data classification should be made. The data can be divided based on either year if they have a time frame or according to items if there is a time frame or not.

Here is an introduction that I make.

The bar graphs compares a range of activities undertaken by students from two different levels not taking a full job in the year 2008 (an introduction). Overall, it is immediately apparent that both graduate and postgraduate students were more interested in continuing their study to higher degree (an overview).
TickyMik 1 / 4  
Apr 24, 2017   #5

Hi syita. In my humble opinion on working task 1 essay. It is important to not deliver the number on the chart/bar in a repeating way. You should make it like a story use comparison and do not state the actual number. For example The stark contrast of a number of employment that comes from the undergraduate student is ten times higher compare to graduate student.

From there you can work your way to the rest of data. I believe the first think you should start is work on your vocabulary that relates to presenting a data. hope this help.
syamsiahRahim 9 / 15 3  
Apr 25, 2017   #6
Hi @syita_arc
I will give you some feedback

... did not go into full-time work did afterleaving college in 2008. (pay attention with your spelling it can make the reader too confuse)

... amount of UK graduate students andthen unemployment of (...) graduate students and 1.625 people from t... (I think you should mix complex sentence and use the other connection in this paragraph to make your idea coherent and cohesive)

I think you should make clear overview from interesting marked in the graph
Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Apr 25, 2017   #7
In my point of view, you did not present a clear overview. You should mention about main trend, differences or stage to make your overview is clear, and I think that you present information which lack of coherent. It is better if you use some cohesive devices to arrange you sentence coherently. You also use limited range of vocabulary. You could get higher score of grammatical range if you use a variety of complex structure
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Apr 26, 2017   #8
as far as i read your essay, i think to improve your score, you have to pay attention more on your grammar, i found you put an adjective after preposition. the preposition have to be followed by noun. turning to the body paragraph 1 and 2, you just picked all detail without any comparisons. if you want to boost your score, you have to use both language of comparison and language of change. also, pay more attention in choosing selected data, only choose the remarkable figure to interest your reader.

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