A/D? Students should spend more time learning on their own than learning in a classroom environment.

Hi everyone, this is a TOEFL independent writing task, can anyone help me with the essay? Much appreciation for your contribution!

An increasing number of people have begun to discuss whether students should spend more time learning on their own than learning in a classroom environment, and many people air their opinions based on their own value system. A great majority of them tend to claim that students should try to understand knowledge and solve the problems on their own, that way they can learn the importance of being independent and be responsible to themselves. However, does the claim ring true, according to the real situation? I find myself not on the same wavelength with such an idea. I strongly contend that students should spend more time learning in classroom environment than alone with themselves.

I have a bunch of reasons to support my point of view. For opener, friends and colleagues are important factors that will certainly influence us during our studies, its always better if we can discuss with someone when we encounter a recondite problem. We are able to examine our weakness by consulting with others, and by absorbing their profound knowledge, we can transform those weak points of ours into advantages. Its always difficult to try to comprehend an abstruse idea on your own, and there is no shame in asking others for help. Within a classroom environment, we are able to interchange each other's ideas and find out the blind spot. This kind of way will make learning more efficiently, and its beneficial for everyone. What's more, a class environment will ensure students to concentrate on studying. There are a lot of distraction when we are studying alone at home, such as computer, television, and smart phone. We may be irresistible to these attractions, hence lowering our learning quality. In a classroom environment where everyone is either studying or resting, people will feel weird if they are doing something else. Classmates can encourage each other to keep up the hard work, which will create a better learning environment, therefore increasing the learning effect.

Although some claim validity of the argument that students should try to study and solve problems on their own, this way they can prepare themselves to be independent and responsible for themselves when they are about to face the society. At first glance, the argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflection reveals that it leaves out some noticeable factors that should be addressed to corroborate the argument. Its is reasonable that students should learn to be independent, but it is also important to learn to work with the group. The whole society is considered a group of different kind of people, we should learn to play alongside with the group, find our own roles within it. After all, its not practical to live a completely solitary life. Its crucial for us to develop our relationship with others, and by studying and discussing in a classroom environment, we are able to learn such things. Thus, the argument lacks credibility in that the logic cited in the previous analysis does not lend strong support to the claim.

Of course, there may be people who does not agree with my point of view. They may say that students should spend more time learning on their own than learning in a classroom environment. However, I think the reasons I have provided are stronger.

Hello, I would like to help you with some of your essay.

1st paragraph: I think you should form a new sentence: "Many people base their opinions on their own value system."

There are some words that can be deleted. Note this improvement in the next sentence: "A majority of them claim that students should try to understand and solve problems on their own, so they can learn to be responsible and independent."

I would suggest using another term to describe your feelings. Instead of using on the same wavelength, you could replace it with "agreeing"

Do you mean learning in the classroom rather than learning on their own?

2nd paragraph: I would like to focus on the use of transitions at the beginning of your sentences. For opener should be "For example,". You state What's more, but you can replace this with "Furthermore".

Also, your use of its is an error. It should be it's. Word choice is also important. In this paragraph you want to state, "abstract idea". Instead of interchange you should say "exchange ideas with each other". Change efficiently to "efficient". Change irresistible to these attractions to "may not be resistant to these distractions"

Use a semicolon and a comma to join sentences together. In this paragraph, you use transition words to join sentences. Ex: "...attractions; hence, lowering our learning quality." "...environment; therefore, this will increase learning."

The next two paragraphs I would like to help you with any errors.

3rd paragraph: The first sentence you could simply state, "Some may argue that students should try to study and solve their own problems, so they can prepare themselves to be responsible and independent when they face society." You could also say members of society. When you start a sentence with Its is, you should not use is too. Form a contraction and change the beginning of the sentence to: "It's reasonable for students..." I am also going to suggest stating "important for them to learn to work with the group."

Change its to "it's" for the next few sentences.

4th paragraph: Change does not to "do not".

I hope this helps!

Allow me to give you some advises.
- The third paragraph: students should tryattemp t to study and solve problems on their own (Attempt is more formal and more academic)
- You should not abbreviate, because you can lose your point)

i would change i have a bunch of reasons to something else