Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


Students staying away from parents as they mature - TOEFL



nlakhots 5 / 7  
Aug 21, 2013   #1
I am having my TOEFL exam next week. Friends please do rate it.

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?


Nowadays, some young adults do feel to stay away from their parents as soon as they find out that they are mature enough to handle themselves. In the contrast, there is an another troop of young adults who do prefer to be with their respective families for a longer time. I with full confidence feel that the second scenario has far more pros then the first one. I find the other situation as more beneficial or better because of the following points.

First, dwelling with family provides us altruistically with the warmth, love and coziness of relationships. In a relationship we do have many sort of bonding with our relatives which acts as the comfort seat in our life's journey. Sharing the feelings with relatives do kill our stress, it even acts as balm on our heels. For instance, whenever after my office work i return to my place, i strictly give my first half an hour to my uncle's little 5-year old daughter, who by making faces or by her funny childish games revitalize me from my all work stress.

Second, thriving with family enables one to be in touch with the other members of the family and most importantly introduces us with different member's different characteristics. This shows us how the other people live their lives. For example, my father is an entrepreneur. He is the Director of a real estate firm. So, i do get to know some leadership or potentate qualities from him. The way he handles the firm. These things are of great relevance in our life.

Third, bonding with family members helps to maintain family's culture and stature in front of the society. Every culture is unique and exclusive. With the younger generation in contact with the predecessors helps in the flourishing of their culture.

Family's contact and background also gives support in any phase of life, either it be sweet or harsh. Family's support kills boredom and monotonousness of life. While if independence is considered, I complete it by saying this that if relationships with our respective relatives is maintained with utmost Care, Purity and Frankness then one would get the most independence while living with the family because it is well said that," Life is too short, gather as many as companions possible."

gmad06 20 / 143  
Aug 21, 2013   #2
I think the contents of your essay is good except for the conclusion. Your last paragraph should be an overview of the ideas you have presented and how it responds to your thesis. Reading through your conclusion, I feel that you are opening new ideas and the last sentence does not relate much to the ideas you mentioned on your three body paragraphs.

I am not that familiar with TOEFL but I think you could get an average rate for this paper.

hope this helps...


Home / Writing Feedback / Students staying away from parents as they mature - TOEFL
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳