IELTS Writing task - study the science of food - requirement of advice

Task:
Some people think students should study the science of food and how to prepare it. Others think that school time should be used in learning important subjects.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

My answer:
Some people argue that students learn the knowledge of food and cooking, while others assert that students study more crucial subjects instead of learning that. This essay will discuss both opinions and I will explain why learning the science of food is essential to students.

Firstly, some people insist that students can learn how to prepare food by parents or other methods. They rather emphasize how important it is that learning math or language in school. These subjects are the basic module of the main examination for evaluating students' grades. In fact, lessons of elementary schools or middle school consist of math or literature or history by and large.

However, I believe that there are more persuasive counter-arguments. By learning the science of food and obtaining the skill of cooking, students can choose healthier meals or ingredients. It will let them know what is good and what is bad. Even more, many scientists have reported that when children are exposed to a variety of food in young age, they can enjoy the flavor of food more. Furthermore, learning the science of food and how to prepare it can also drive motivation to learn about other related subjects.

In conclusion, school time should include enough lessons in terms of the science of food or how to organize it. It makes wide knowledge up, not only the science but also agriculture or history. What eating to humans is an inevitable matter of life. Hence, teachers should play a role of leading their students to explore the science of food.

The alternative words for "think" are: assume, consider, feel, deem, presume, suppose or surmise. Do not automatically go for inapplicable and irrelevant alternative words such as "argue" when no such reference is made in the original prompt. Always use the proper synonym, to help your LR score. The words "argue, assert, insist, and, counter arguments", change the discussion slant of the original prompt from intellectual, to angry when there is no need to do so. Proper alternative word usage will help show that you have a good understanding of the English language and its accompanying word meanings, directly affecting your LR and GRA scores.

There is a lack of proper discussion development for each public opinion presented. I do not see any public opinion explanation, and your opinion of such, prior to the presentation fo your personal opinion. The lack of proper public reasoning reference, as indicated in the original prompt make this essay tangential in response. Only partial public opinion explanations are raised, creating a problem in your TA score.

@coheny
Hi! In a discussion essay, you have to discuss both views equally and then give your opinion but it seemed like Body Paragraph 1 is heavily undeveloped compared to Body Paragraph 2. Additionally, there is no clear opinion or idea in Body Paragraph 1. For example, in the first sentence of Body Paragraph 1, you paraphrase the question again instead of giving the main idea of the paragraph.

Also, there a lot of grammatical errors and word-formation errors. For instance:
... prepare food by from parents or ...
It makes wide knowledge up --> it could widen your knowledge

hi, the format of your essay is wrong as it contains only 4 paragraphs. Your opinion is not strong enough unless you write one more paragraph supporting learning food in general, not in your opinion. additionally, the essay lacks examples, you had better include one to consolidate your viewpoint.