IELTS task 2: Should only subjects which are beneficial to students' future career be taught?

Hi all,
Please review my essay and give me your feedback
Task 2:
Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore others subjects such as music and sports are not important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Answer:
Nowadays, the school curriculum have comprehensive coverage of different types of subjects. People argue that only those subjects which are essential to the future career of students are recommended to be taught at school while others should be removed. I strongly disagree with this opinion.

There are a variety of reasons why people hold the above argument. Firstly, school syllabus is too demanding with a plethora of subjects. After attending lectures, students are required to complete an immense amount of homework or group projects which, in fact, make them feel stressful and overwhelmed. Focusing on only subjects which are beneficial to their future job relieves the burden on their shoulders and give them more time for leisure. Secondly, since students know which knowledge to be taught would help them earn money later on, they are motivated to dig deeper on it and would have a better performance in their future careers.

On the other hand, I believe that some subjects such as sports and music still have a vitally important role in the development of children. Taking music and sports courses as examples. Music class helps students remove stress after intensive study hours. Research indicates that by stimulating the human brain, music also enhances people's creativity, which is a must-have skill that all jobs currently require. Another example is the advantage of sport class. By taking this class, physical conditions of students would be strengthened and their mind would be refreshed. As a result, this helps students learn better.

In my conclusion, all subjects in the school curriculum have a certain role in helping students holistically develop and get better jobs in the future. None of them is considered to be non-essential.

"the school curriculum have comprehensive coverage" --- You should change it to 'has".
motivated to dig deeper on it --- You should also change this to 'for'

I like the essay generally though.

You are being asked to provide 2 reasons to prove the extent of your disagreement with the given topic. This is a single opinion discussion that is based on the strength of your reasoning skills. You have to convince the examiner that your opinion is based on analysis and experience, but not a comparative discussion of the two opinions. Your paraphrase has accidentally made a claim in the first sentence that does not have any basis in the original discussion as provided. There is no reference to the school curriculum . That should not be included in the paraphrase. There are only 2 points for paraphrasing prior to your extent respone:

1. Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career
2. Others subjects such as music and sports are not important.

My next question is, Why do you strongly disagree with the opinion? Where is the reasoning outline that will help to clarify your opinion and reasoning discussion points? Without the outline, the representing response is incomplete.

There is no reason to justify both discussion points in a comparison discussion as you are only asked to give valid reasons to support your point of view. Therefore, you have to present 2 disagreeing opinions that prove your point as acceptable. A comparative discussion blurs your opinion, which runs counter to the clear opinion that you presented as your formal response to the question.