The Tabard Towers Theme Park - IELTS Writing Task 1 Sample

Hello everyone, can someone please help me mastered IELTS Writing Task 1 by commenting on my essay below?
I really appreciate your help. Thank you very much! :)

Popularity of a theme park

(1st Paragraph)
The graph illustrates the number of visitors (in thousands) visited the Tabard Towers Theme Park throughout the whole year which is counted per months. Overall, this park has an interesting variation which includes an erratic fluctuation in the middle year and gradual pattern in several first and last months.

(2nd Paragraph)
The Tabard Towers Theme Park has a gradual increase of visitors since the beginning of the year until May from 30000 to 70000 visitors. Later, the visitors number went up and down wildly with an upward trend towards the end of the year. In June, it has more than 50% sharp drop to 20000 visitors before shooting up to hit 120000 mark in the next month, almost doubled the visitors two months ago. The park's visitor fell back to slightly under 80000 in August and bounce back to almost 140000 visitors in September. After that, it plummeted down periodically to 80000 visitors in December where it reaches over 250% visitors since January.

(161 words)

• 
  This is the graph that i need to describe.
  

Afifah, first of all, your essay has to be at least 3-5 paragraphs in length. For these Task 1 essays, a normal presentation is usually 4 paragraphs in length. That includes the summary conclusion of the essay. This is done by properly dividing the discussion topics of your paragraphs. The first paragraph is always the summary overview of the illustration you were provided. Just include the salient points for discussion but do not give any actual information away.

The next 2-3 paragraphs should offer the comparison points, analysis of the information provided, and any other observations that you might have about the image. Remember, this is an academic / professional report so you have to make sure that you are not skipping or accidentally misrepresenting any information in your summary. Always write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to be considered as having fully developed the information.

Your first paragraph is short by one, but you did a good job of presenting the information just the same. You just needed to present it individual sentences instead of compressed into two lines. If you can write 5 sentences, all the better. You could have created a third paragraph if you had opted to divide the information presentation into quarter months of visitors instead of going monthly. That way you would have had enough information material to accurately discuss a more comprehensive and comparable data presentation on your part.

@Holt
That is a great feedback. Thank you very much for your time, I'll try my best on making another better essay :)

@Holt
Hi, I did a remake on the essay. Could you please help me check on this? Thank you in advance. I really appreciate your help.

(1st Paragraph)
The graph illustrates the number of visitors (in thousands) who are visiting The Tabard Towers Theme Park throughout the whole year which is counted per months. Overall, the park has an interesting variation which consists of an increasing trend until the end of third quarter, followed by a gradual decline in the last quarter. However, although the first and last quarter have steady up and down marks, the middle two quarters are interesting because they have erratic fluctuations.

(2nd Paragraph)
Starting from January, the park gained a good momentum as it slowly rises from 30000 to 40000 visitors until March. It was then followed by a steady increase to almost doubling up to 80000 people in May. From this point, the erratic fluctuation started where the park reached its lowest point in June.

(3rd Paragraph)
In July, the visitors were shooting up again to hit 120000 mark, almost four times higher than the first month. The numbers decreased sharply to slightly under 80000 in August before rocketing to almost 140000 in the next month. After reached the peak, the park's visitor fell back steadily to 80000 people by decreasing up to 20000 visitors a month until December.

• 
  Tabard Tower Theme Park
  

Hello Afifah!

I would like to suggest certain grammatical errors.

Para 1- throughout the whole year (Throughout and whole represent the same idea.).
counted per months.
* I would suggest adding the last line of your first para to the beginning of the second para ( This needs to represent the chunk of the data you have acquired through the graph, while the first serves merely as an introduction.)

Para 2 - However, although (However and although again represent the same idea. I would suggest removing however and making this the first line of second para.) the first and the last quarter......

It was then followed by a steady increase to by almost doubling up...

Para 3 - After reaching the peak, the park's visitors.

Good Luck! :)

Hi @DoctorWho, thank you very much for the correction!

I hope you dont mind if i bother you again. Do you think what range of tenses should i use while describing this graph? I found out that different resource giving me different perspective too. Therefore, i am kind of confused about this grammar thing.

Thank you very much :)