some people think that to lead a successful life a university degree is important
These days taking a university degree is being argued no longer as a determinant of a person's success. There may be advantages of not going into university but in my point of view, there are higher chances to achieve one's success when a person has a university degree.
On the one hand, studying in universities opens a lot of opportunities to every individual that can make them successful. One thing is more knowledge and understanding in one's field of practice or study. For instance, persons interested in psychology could learn theories, do research, and apply their learning in a particular field. Another positive point in pursuing a university degree is establishing connections with people. On university campuses, there are lots of engaging activities that open up opportunities for like-minded people. These connections could be helpful in building a successful career, like professors that could sponsor students to pursue post-graduate studies. Subsequently, an individual with a university degree has more chances of getting a job position because many employers look for this qualification. Thus, with more advantages of holding a university degree offers, there are more chances of living a successful life.
On the other hand, the fact cannot be also refuted that there are people who have been successful without studying in universities. These are individuals who pursued a passion, learned skills online, and did other exemplary activities. However, according to statistics, there are only a few who reached success by doing things like these. Moreover, the chances of failure in pursuing someone's passion is more likely than the chances of not getting a university degree. For instance, some people are trying to establish blogs online who depends on luck that one day they will be popularly known for their ideas. Unfortunately, with hundreds of thousands of internet bloggers, there are really slim chances that one will be instantly famous. In this case, the probability of success is so little, and banking up one's profile with a degree sounds more rational.
Undoubtedly, a successful life has many determinants. However, there are higher chances of living in success if one will invest with years of education than simply waiting for an opportunity. Eventually, one's passion could still be pursued after getting a degree, and could still be successful in the long run.
I think that your essay is great, but I want to point out some sentences that it might be incorrect.
"However, there are higher chances of living ..."
First, the conditional sentence structure does not exist, I think you should you the first conditional sentence. Second, there is only "invest sth in sth", there is no "invest with". And this word is not suitable in this situation.
I would fix it "However, there can be higher chances...if one prioritise years of education than simply waiting...
The next one "apply their learning in ...".
"Apply sth to sth" is the best phrase. I haven't seen your phrase before.
"A success life has many determinants". I would use "depends on" instead. I feel it so strained.
"Subsequently, an individual ..."
I think "subsequently" should be used in a process like flow chart in task 1. This one you use it as a linking word to make a new statement. Moreover, this statement is not supported by nay explanation or example, it might not have much value.
The most important thing is that you should only have two statements, you have 5 statements but not all of them are supported sufficiently. And the essay is too lengthy, I think it's impossible to write in 40 minutes.
I can only point out some trivial mistakes but I hope that it's helpful
My first impression from this essay was that it is somehow rather ambiguous to understand what your are going to talk about, which can be related to your use of grammar and lexicology. When I looked closer, I can see there were several points that could be hard to understand. For example:
"One thing is more knowledge and understanding in ... For instance, persons interested in psychology could ..."
This makes little sense, because this person in the example is only interested in it. Moreover, you haven't made it clear about the benefits of knowledge acquisition at university, so I suggest trying to write a clearer topic sentence and give relevant examples. Here is my rendition:
A noticeable benefit of studying at university is that the knowledge acquired can be helpful for individual's career prospect and the society as a whole. For example, a person who has interest in psychology can apply their knowledge at school to give advice and suggestion related to the mental well-being of other people, thus bettering their lives off.
Talking about the coherence and cohesion, since there has been some misinterpreted points, it means your coherence is not strong enough and therefore, minimizing your score.
However, a good point is that your vocabulary and grammar is sufficient enough, since I can see some advanced words such as "undergraduate, establish, pursue, etc." There is a sense of naturalness in your use of lexicons and I really appreciate it. Well done!
@THC1310vn
You were right! It took me almost 56 minutes to finish it.
Thank You for pointing out my mistakes.
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