I'm really not that confident with this essay. I have so much in my head surrounding this essay question that I feel that I didn't answer the question right, nor do I feel like it even compares to how great other people's essays are.
Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'
"Talk is cheap"
People can talk about what they plan to do and what they are capable of doing, but unless further action is taken, such talk is just a fruitless pursuit. On the other hand, it is important that one should not confuse motion with action. A person can consume themselves with work that could always have them moving on their feet, but if there is no initiative done beyond a regular routine of work, all efforts are wasted. Those that move not only speak about brilliant ideas, but also create brilliant strategies to put ideas into action. Such people also prepare themselves for the inevitable rejection from those who are too afraid to move, too afraid to act. As an individual who belongs in category of people that move, I believe I am one who not only speaks with an iron fist, but an independent person who is not afraid to move along with life's challenges.
Growing up in the South Bronx, I have come across the common ambitious person who plans on becoming a doctor, lawyer, or even a basketball player. However, I have also come across people who would describe these dreams as "unrealistic" or "ridiculous". Such people are the simple-minded immovable individuals that are unfamiliar with how strong the rush of ambition can become once a certain dream is put in set. These people essentially become the fuel for my movement because their doubts continue to motivate me to move even stronger and with more confidence. With my steadfast attitude, I make sure to move towards all the opportunities available for to me and never let them slip from my fingertips. So far I have explored numerous activities ranging from plant science to digital media, all in which have moved me to the right path in ultimately defining who I am.
When I was born, my parents gave me a Nigerian tribal middle name that means "independent". My middle name is spoken of with pride because it not only symbolizes my heritage, but that I am one who never waits for someone else to be moved into doing anything I set my mind to. I can specifically remember my first train ride alone in the city as a test of my independence and a journey into the big world. Through my journey, I have been moved into different directions and shown that with movement comes uncertainty and fear of failure. However, I have learned that uncertainty can be a factor that can slow movement, but never an excuse for me to stop movement.
Of the category of people that move, motivation is key. Without motivation, there is no drive for action, and one becomes dependent on some else directing them on what they should do. With my motivation, I have not let my actions be controlled by the words of others, but have used these as words continue to move me into the right direction of my future.
Any advice is appreciate!!
P.S this is a rough draft, I still need my teacher to read this essay so please excuse any grammatical errors
i think it's deep and good... very thoughtful... nice. remember, since ur voice is there, dont try to change too much...
thanks for you advice. I was afraid my essay might be too simple. When you say I shouldn't change my voice, are you saying that there is too much first-person, third-person transition or am i wrong?
Hello. My first time, so hope you don't mind.
I think it is fairly sufficient to say something like 'needs demand action, not words.'
You can extend the iron fist portion to be your opening line.
_______, my middle name, means "independent". An independence unforced, zealous, and unstoppable.
For the body:
Were you born in Nigeria?
If so, your main essay could easily be about moving from Nigeria to the Bronx.
Give some examples of people's strengths feeding into your restless soul- stories.
Give some examples of interest in media, etc. - stories.
Then the conclusion part could be your philosophy part modified.
That's all, hope it helps.
Thanks for the advice! And no I wasn't born in Nigeria, but I felt my middle name fit perfectly for the essay. I took your advice into consideration and revised my essay to expand on how living in the Bronx has moved me and how my middle name stays true to myself.
However, I refuse to let this stereotype justify me as a person who is too afraid to move, too afraid to act. Justify? It might make more sense if you said something like I refuse to let this stereotype reduce me to a person who is...
I maintained a strong relationship
amongwith these people
Great essay overall! Would you mind helping with mine too? Good luck on the rest of your apps!
good essay, should use a little more varied vocabulary, ... and when in the sentence about the lawyer , doctor, or basketball player it should be something like "astronaut, NBA player, or president" , those are actually kinds of occupations that people raise an eyebrow for when you tell them that's your dream. and btw, could i ask you you're SAT/Unweighted GPA, i'm only curious because you're essay was soo good and good STATs could make you a shoe in !
My school doesn't have GPA on a 4.0 scale, so I can say my GPA is 93/100. And my SAT is 1850, but that's only cause I got a 710 in writing lol. I plan on taking the SATs again in January to get a high 1900.
But thanks for everyone's advice!