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IELTS Writing task 2 - Technology's effects on social relationships

Cookieboy 2 / 4 2  
Aug 14, 2020   #1
Q:Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships.

Do you agree or disagree?

Recent advances in technology have revolutionized public association in various ways around the world. Consequently, it is highly contentious that modern communication technology poses a dire threat to the relationships amongst people. From my perspective, though I lean towards the aforementioned statement, we also should not disregard its potential benefits accompanied by its drawbacks.

On the one hand, virtual communication has its own merits. The first advantage is that it allows great flexibility, which removes all geographical and time barriers. It means that people in different locations and time zones can instantly connect with each other via the Internet, so that it builds up and augment existing social ties. To illustrate, in the past, people had to make long trips just to meet other partners from other companies; however, with online meetings, they can join the conference from any place without the need to travel, which not only facilitates collaboration but also helps them to save time and money. Secondly, innovations in communication allows greater chance for new relationships as well as expanding our social circles. Music fandoms, which are the special community established by numerous people from different backgrounds all over the world, well exemplify this. By sharing the same interest and admiration to their idols, they become friends and may find out other mutually common things.

On the flip side, modern communication has detrimental impacts on social relationships. Discouraging direct communication is the first negative consequence. A vast majority of individuals are frequently online to check notifications from various applications that they use for communication, and they spent longer time on their gadgets than socializing in person with their peers, workmates, and families. Consequently, their relationship with the society and people are being ruined because of their isolation with the environment. In addition, it is believed that advanced technology in the field of communication can wreck the nature of friendship. Often virtual friends are not reliable and there is little likelihood of maintaining a long relationship with these people. There are many people who were swindled out of hundreds of dollar by their online friends because these swindlers made friends with them in order to merely take advantage of them.

In conclusion, though the modern technology is convenient, I strongly believe that people should control their use of technology due to a variety of its negative effects, and never forget the essentials of personal interaction.
DiepVu99 10 / 21 9  
Aug 14, 2020   #2
Hi, I see that you spent much time for the essay that reached to nearly 400 words
However, in my opinion, it is too long for writing essay task 2 that often requires you to write 250 words, may be you can use nearly 300. I don't think you can have enough time in real exam.

In terms of content, I understand it very clearly and the words you used are advanced.
Hope that you can receive a more specific comment form Holt.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,686 4759  
Aug 14, 2020   #3
Your are not discussing the prompt as per the discussion requirement. So this unreasonably long discussion you wrote is useless. You will get a failing score because you did not understand the discussion instruction.

Discussion Question: Do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: ...though I lean towards the aforementioned statement, we also should not disregard its potential benefits accompanied by its drawbacks.

As this is clearly an agree or disagree essay, what made you think that the discussion was to be based on a benefit or drawback discussion? Those are two different prompt discussion instructions that you can never end up interchanging. One is for a comparative discussion and one, is for a single opinion essay. I am sorry but all the work that you did in this essay was not worth the effort you put into it. Once you change the discussion instruction, your response becomes unrelated to the task. That means, you will not pass the test.
OP Cookieboy 2 / 4 2  
Aug 15, 2020   #4
Thank you for your precious feedback.
So i have a desire to ask you one more thing: If i change my response to " I partly agree with this statement" and then remain my body paragraphs unchanged as the way to explain my opinion, will my essay be acceptable ? Thank you so much

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