It's no doubt about the tremendous importance of themThere is
no doubt about their
maintaining this viewpoint that telephones definitely bring more impacts to the world,
maintaining this viewpoint that telephones definitely impact the world to a greater extent
I concede her opinion.
I concede to
Nevertheless, as for me,
I don't quite understand your stand in the first paragraph. You first say that you agree with your mother in considering the telephone to be more influential, and later change your stand. If you want to take the middle road, then try not to go to the extremes about one being better than the other.
Initially, one issue which encourages me to hold this opinion is that televisions enrich the colors of our life.Firstly
, one issue which encourages me to hold this opinion is that, televisions enrich the colors
In ancient times, human may have only a few activities.
In ancient times, the humans may have been engaged
only in a few activities.
The survival mainly was their mere mission
Their mere survival was their main mission.
However, in contemporary century
I feel it would be better to rephrase it as the contemporary world
or the the present century
activities and events form our colorful life
activities and events form a part of
our colorful life
The people in China, where is about half of the earth's perimeter away from America, is able to be informed immediately what the Americans happened just nowThe Chinese, who are about half of the earth's perimeter away from America, are informed immediately about the current events in America.
The appearance of television accelerates human modernization.The advent of television has accelerated human modernization.
I still remember that what a huge shook I had when I saw the high-resolution pictures of Mars.
I still remember the state of shock
I was in, when I saw the high-resolution pictures of Mars.
Television make it easier for us
it easier for us
To back up my point, it could be relevant
This phrase sort of gives me a feeling of uncertainty in your stand. Go straight to the point without using this phrase.
For example, documentaries and has spawned great effects
For example, documentaries have
spawned great effects
television teaches our children about the justice
television teaches our children about
by broadcasting a biography
Similarly, television teaches our children about the justice, by broadcasting a biography of a prominent celebrity and appreciating the responsibility of polices.
I don't understand the structure of this sentence. You either support your initial part of the statement about teaching justice with some examples, or you list the important value added education programs on television. Your sentence doesn't seem to do wither of them.
lead us to perceive the subtle relationship of the world, which completely influence the whole life.
helps / enables us to perceive the subtle relationship of ??? , which completely influences our lives
relationship of the world
Doesn't make much of sense to me. You might want to elaborate on this one.
As my mother said, telephone also has effect a change of our lives.
As my mother said, telephone also has an
a change ofin
As my mother said, telephone also
has effectbrings about
In your second paragraph, you first start from the entertainment point of view(colorful life) and then switch to modernization. Try to stick to single aspect in a paragraph if possible.
Your conclusion seems a bit incomplete. You have talked about the advantages of television over telephone. It doesn't hurt to endorse your mother's view with a few cases, and show how their influence reach the same magnitude as that of the television's.
Overall, you seem to have good ideas. You just have to pen it down in the correct structure.