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telephone has greater effects on human kind than television has.


lalashow 1 / 1  
Jul 5, 2010   #1
please help me correct some mistakes. i may use some sentences in this Saturday for my test.

Thank you!!
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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?telephone has greater effects on human kind than television has.

Telephones and televisions are the most significant inventions in the long history of human lives. It's no doubt about the tremendous importance of them. However, some people want to discuss whether telephones influence human kind more than television does. My mother, maintaining this viewpoint that telephones definitely bring more impacts to the world, claims that telephones shorten the distance between her and me. I concede her opinion. Nevertheless, as for me, television, as a mass media, has greater effects on us than telephone has from the aspects of the enrichment of experiences and the development of human values.

Initially, one issue which encourages me to hold this opinion is that televisions enrich the colors of our life. In ancient times, human may have only a few activities. They hunted in the daytime and slept in the nighttime. The survival mainly was their mere mission. However, in contemporary century, innumerable emotions, activities and events form our colorful life. The people in China, where is about half of the earth's perimeter away from America, is able to be informed immediately what the Americans happened just now. The appearance of television accelerates human modernization. I still remember that what a huge shook I had when I saw the high-resolution pictures of Mars. Television make it easier for us to know how the world changes. We generously share our findings, knowledge, news, entertainments and so forth.

To back up my point, it could be relevant to include another cause that television plays a vital role in the formation of human values. For example, documentaries and has spawned great effects in our recognition of natural science and human science, helping us improve our understanding of the material world, and form the reasonable perspective towards human activities. Similarly, television teaches our children about the justice, by broadcasting a biography of a prominent celebrity and appreciating the responsibility of polices. Perhaps most importantly, television as a perfect teacher, lead us to perceive the subtle relationship of the world, which completely influence the whole life.

On the other hand, it is essential not to take this assertion too far. As my mother said, telephone also has effect a change of our lives. However, I believe the influence of telephone is relatively low. As a substitute for a letter and telegram, telephones enhance the communication efficiency. Compared to the influence of television, telephone may seem a little neglected.

vrajveer89 8 / 21  
Jul 6, 2010   #2
It's no doubt about the tremendous importance of them

There is no doubt about their tremendous importance.

maintaining this viewpoint that telephones definitely bring more impacts to the world,

maintaining this viewpoint that telephones definitely impact the world to a greater extent ,

I concede her opinion.

I concede to her opinion

Nevertheless, as for me,

Nevertheless, as for me,

I don't quite understand your stand in the first paragraph. You first say that you agree with your mother in considering the telephone to be more influential, and later change your stand. If you want to take the middle road, then try not to go to the extremes about one being better than the other.

Initially, one issue which encourages me to hold this opinion is that televisions enrich the colors of our life.

Firstly , one issue which encourages me to hold this opinion is that, televisions enrich the colors ofin our lifelives .

In ancient times, human may have only a few activities.

In ancient times, the humans may have been engaged only in a few activities.

The survival mainly was their mere mission

Their mere survival was their main mission.

However, in contemporary century

I feel it would be better to rephrase it as the contemporary world or the the present century

activities and events form our colorful life

activities and events form a part of our colorful life

The people in China, where is about half of the earth's perimeter away from America, is able to be informed immediately what the Americans happened just now

The Chinese, who are about half of the earth's perimeter away from America, are informed immediately about the current events in America.

The appearance of television accelerates human modernization.

The advent of television has accelerated human modernization.

I still remember that what a huge shook I had when I saw the high-resolution pictures of Mars.

I still remember the state of shock I was in, when I saw the high-resolution pictures of Mars.

Television make it easier for us

Television makes it easier for us

To back up my point, it could be relevant

This phrase sort of gives me a feeling of uncertainty in your stand. Go straight to the point without using this phrase.

For example, documentaries and has spawned great effects

For example, documentaries have spawned great effects

television teaches our children about the justice

television teaches our children about the justice

by broadcasting a biography

by telecasting a biography

Similarly, television teaches our children about the justice, by broadcasting a biography of a prominent celebrity and appreciating the responsibility of polices.

I don't understand the structure of this sentence. You either support your initial part of the statement about teaching justice with some examples, or you list the important value added education programs on television. Your sentence doesn't seem to do wither of them.

lead us to perceive the subtle relationship of the world, which completely influence the whole life.

helps / enables us to perceive the subtle relationship of ??? , which completely influences our lives .

relationship of the world

Doesn't make much of sense to me. You might want to elaborate on this one.

As my mother said, telephone also has effect a change of our lives.

As my mother said, telephone also has an effect a change ofin our lives.
As my mother said, telephone also has effectbrings about a change ofin our lives.

In your second paragraph, you first start from the entertainment point of view(colorful life) and then switch to modernization. Try to stick to single aspect in a paragraph if possible.

Your conclusion seems a bit incomplete. You have talked about the advantages of television over telephone. It doesn't hurt to endorse your mother's view with a few cases, and show how their influence reach the same magnitude as that of the television's.

Overall, you seem to have good ideas. You just have to pen it down in the correct structure.

Cheers
OP lalashow 1 / 1  
Jul 6, 2010   #3
thanks very very much. I need to learn from lots of mistakes.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Jul 8, 2010   #4
Hey Bob, you have an excellent writing style; it seems like a rhythmic and creative way to structure sentences. After moving from good to perfect English, I think you willl be able to feel very confident... very soon!

That first sentence is well-structured, for example. I don't think they are the MOST significant inventions. Some would say the Internet, or the wheel, or fire might be the most significant. I would write this:

The telephone and television are two of the most significant inventions in the long history of human life.

Rajveer gave great guidance, and I encourage you to post another version of your essay after you try to make some of the corrections he suggested. Maybe some are hard to understand, but try, and you will improve! :-)

Here is another good set of sentences:
To back up my point, it could be relevant to include an cause observation that television plays a vital role in the formation of human values. For example, documentaries have spawned great effects in our recognition of natural science and human science, helping us improve our understanding of the material world (no comma is necessary here) and form the reasonable perspectives towards human activities.

I am impressed, because you write with very nicely constructed sentences even though your English is not yet perfect. Keep practicing! Also, I think you can help a lot of people here at EF if you have time.


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