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Ten-year summary on the amount of online sales for the New Zealand's retail sectors


Stacy Handayani 29 / 16 19  
Apr 12, 2015   #1
The pie chart show changes on the precentage of online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand over 10 years. Overall, it can be seen that while the percentage of film and music and also books increased gradually over a decade, the percentage of clothes' and travel's sales decreased significantly.

With regard to the incline proportion of this trend, in 2003 the percentage of online books sales stood at 19% while film's or music's sales in higher percentage at over one in ten. Over the following 10 years saw a dramatic rise in the proportion of film's and music's online sales to a third, while sales on books sector rose by 3% from 19% to 20%.

In contrast to this, over a decade there was a sharp fall to the proportion of clothes' and travel's sector. The proportion of the clothes' and travel's sales began at 24% and 36% respectively, higher than any other proportion sales. However, those proportion dropped markedly at just under a fifth for the percentage of clothes' online shopping sales and at 36% for the percentage of travel's sales.



lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Apr 12, 2015   #2
1st paragraph: Change to: changes in. Also percentage is spelled incorrectly. Good interpretation of this pie chart in this 1st paragraph!

2nd paragraph: I'm confused by your reading of film and music in 2003. Also, when you express 1/3 in explaining the figure for 2013, this could be confusing. I think it is better to continue to summarize the pie charts using percentage rather than fractions. This will keep your summary more consistent. There was a slight error. Book sales increased from 19% to 22%.

3rd paragraph: I would place "in" before "over a decade". I think you should simplify the second sentence. Make two sentences. Before the word respectively place a comma. That word should be the end of the sentence. You can add "This was" before higher to begin a new sentence. Read it with the changes made. Check the numbers in this paragraph and my suggestion again is to avoid fractions. If you summarize with the percentages provided, you can check the numbers to ensure you have an accurate summary.

I'm sure with these changes you will do good!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 16, 2015   #3
Stacy, a closer look at the slight improvement on the overview and the first topic sentence I have made. My edits go with the blue highlight, while the green one shows my comments.

Overall, it can be seen that while the percentage of film and music and also books increased gradually over a decade, the percentage of clothes' and travel's sales decreased significantly .

Overall, what stands out from the graphs reveals that there is a fluctuation in online sales. Travelling recorded the highest percentage in 2003. In the following ten years, films and music have taken over this position.

You have a good point here, but the problem is the overview is too short. You need a 2-sentence overview.

With regard to the incline proportion of this trend, in 2003 the percentage of online books sales stood at 19% while film's or music's sales in higher percentage at over one in ten.

The highest percentage involves a certain amout of travelling. In 2003, the number of online travel sales is about 36%. This percentage saw a marked decrease to 29% in 2013, a decline of about 7% in ten years.

Start with the most significant changes. The figure for travelling can be a stepping stone to introduce your opening sentence.
Thanks,
eddy suaib


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