In many countries, more and more young people are unable to find jobs after graduation.
With the tendency that youth graduates find it difficult to find a job nowadays, youth unemployment is becoming a big issue in many countries in the world. This essay will point out some negative consequences as well as give some possible solution to remedy it.
to begin with, the obvious affect is that jobless people cannot find the way to earn for living, thus they are incapable of supporting themselves and their family as well as covering the loans which they might have for education at university or college, (which really creates) creating a big pressure not only on them but also on their family financially and psychologically. Therefore, they may be haunted by depress and negative.
However, it is far from private problems, it is actually a problem of entire society when the rate of social instability increases, and people with resentment and disappointment can much more easily form gangs or groups which can commit robbery, stole, pick-pocket or other more serious crimes.
The solution should be discussed at both personal and government scales. It is high time that government allowance for the unemployed should be made policy in order to maintain social instability as well as give them a chance to have a better life. Besides, some people content that having a further education can give unemployed people more advantages. However, in my opinion, I do not totally agree with this idea, because it seems to delay the problem rather than solve it. A more crucial thing is that the young with unemployment should be taken into the consideration; they should lower their expectation or can accept the seemingly more fundamental works, maybe in their community or rural area. With the solutions mentioned above, I believe that the situation can be diminished.
(can you help me to correct mistakes in this essay? Thank you very much)
Due to the unclear purpose of this thread, I am not sure about what should I do. Most essays that are posted here have their own specific prompt that should be followed. Since this is your first post, I won't judge further about the mistake that you did regarding to the rules of this forum. I just hope that the moderator here will not take a serious action such as banning or suspending your account.
With regards to the essay, I can see that it is an argumentative essay. There are lots of types of argumentative essay but most of them do NOT have a VERY LONG concluding paragraph like what you have written in your thread. This is a wrong approach to write an argumentative essay. At first, try to write at least three sentences in your introductory paragraph because an introductory paragraph should consist of a topic sentence, a thesis statement, and the outline of the thesis statement. Then, when it comes to your body paragraph, you need to elaborate what you have written in the introductory paragraph, especially in the outline of your thesis statement. Additionally, in concluding paragraph, you just need to paraphrase your introductory paragraph and add a recommendation, hope, or fear of the future. Therefore, my suggestion is that to fully revise the whole essay based on the structural things that I have mentioned earlier.
Hope this helps :)
You should add prompt, what type of exam it is targeting, word limit etc. in order to let the experts to review more precisely.
Let's keep practice and improving writing~.
[Contributor] - / 7,857 2141
Tram, I know that this is a topic for the IELTS Task 2. Now, I have an idea as to what the prompt you are trying to respond to is. However, unless I get the full prompt directly from you, I cannot be sure that what I have in mind is correct. I want to be sure that I analyze your band scores based on the proper prompt requirements. Please do me a favor and post the full prompt as it was provided to you so that I can better assess and score your work. Right now, I will offer you general comments on your obvious writing problems.
The first problem that I see with your essay is the inconsistency in the way that you write the paragraphs. Sometimes you use a capital letter to start it, sometimes you don't. Be consistent, all paragraphs and sentences start with a capital letter for the first word. Don't forget that. all words after the opening word are written in lower case.
Next, you need to make sure that your summary paraphrasing falls within the prompt requirement of 3 sentences minimum. Needless to say, the first paragraph is too short, along with the third paragraph. Both do not fall under the required minimum sentences. The final paragraph of your essay has the opposite problem. You should never have a concluding paragraph more than 5 sentences long. You are only supposed to reiterate the discussion made in the earlier paragraphs and that can be done in around 3 sentences, when presented properly.
Thank you for commending on my thread, and I am also sorry that i did not post full promt. Actually, the topic of this essay is "in many countries, more and more young people are unable to find jobs after graduation. What problems do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and society? What can be done to cope with this problem?"
the minimum words are 250. I think that i need to rewrite that essay. Thank you so much for your help.
[Contributor] - / 7,857 2141
Tram, I am not going to score you on this essay for now. The reason that I will not do that is because I would like to focus on helping you to address the problem points of this essay rather than having you focus on the score that this essay will bring in. The score does not matter for now. What matters is that you understand the problem points of your work and how you can solve it in order to get you a better score.
For starters, pay attention to the way that you type. Make sure that you capitalize the words that need to be capitalized. The first word of every sentence starts with a capital letter. Then, make sure that you have a properly formatted essay. Each paragraph, which includes the paraphrasing in the first paragraph and the conclusion in the last paragraph, all need to have at least 3 sentences in it for it to be considered at least a partially developed paragraph. The lack of sentences in any paragraph always results in an under developed presentation of your reasoning or evidence.
Next, make sure that you understand the prompt requirements. Only when an essay specifically asks you to deliver a personal opinion as part of the discussion should you present any form of a personal opinion. You presented a personal opinion in this essay which was totally uncalled for. That prompt deviation would definitely have affected your task accuracy score in a major way. When your task accuracy score is low, it is hard to get higher marks for the remaining criteria.
Finally, the minimum word requirement for the task 2 essay is 250 words. You wrote around 294. There is no need to revise the essay to meet the word count. You are in a very comfortable presentation level. Remember you cannot present less than 250, but you can present more than that in order to prove your GRA and LR abilities, which would help to increase your score, if done properly.
Thank you. Your oppinions are very clear and useful, so I can learn from experience for writing other essays. Thank you so much, HOLT. However, I do not understand how to write solution clearly, I do know whether the solutions can be mine if I can give good reasons for it.
[Contributor] - / 7,857 2141
When you are asked to give a potential solution to the problem such as "What can be done to address this problem?" which is the question posed in this essay, you can give your own solution to the problem. The solution can be based on your personal approach to the problem and the solution you would apply to it. It does not have to be the perfect solution, nor does it have to be the correct solution. It just has to be a solution. There are no right or wrong answers to these essay questions. The questions are meant to test your English understanding and writing skills. It does not consider the validity of the answers based upon applicability such as if you were taking the GRE test. Just write the solution that you think will work for the problem in an understandable manner. Use simple English if you have to. It won't matter in the end as long as your solution falls within the prompt parameters.