IELTS TEST 2: How people will become happy with money or another factor

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness.
Do you think that having money is the key factor to happiness, or is there more important factor?

Happy is an expression of a person who feels pleasure for certain things. Many people argue that they can be happy when they have much money while other thinks that money cannot establish someone happiness. I totally agree that people cannot rely on money to be happy.

To begin with, some people need money because it is the vital thing for keeping joyful. Especially for poor people, they are always hard-working in order to grant their essential. Getting much money suddenly change their feelings into more happiness. It is a similar sense that is felt by the prosperous people. They are used to be happy because of having lots of money. Forcing their ability to earn much money, but they lose their happiness with relatives since almost their time are used for working. Moreover, much money guides people to sadness life since ample people make their money for the useless purpose such as drugging. It could make their stumbling into the prison. As a result, the money influences the satisfied of person.

On the other hand, some people believe that money cannot buy happiness since there are several sorts that are arduous to have even by having much money. For instance, a joyful of the family is not measured from how much the money that people had. The time that people spend with family is very crucial and it is not adequate with money. Another example is a happiness of living since it is such a blessing that people obliged to be happy for it. Therefore, time is the vital problem for a certain case to make people happy.

In conclusion, although the money can control the happiness in virtual people, I believe that it do not influence the happiness of people who enjoy the time with family and the time of life.

Hi

To begin with, some people need money because it is the vital thing for keeping joyful .

to begin
keeping

thanks

Hello Anaguna, in my opinion you have written this task quite well since the readers can understand your passage easily. In addition, you should reduce your grammatical error in order to achieve better score. I would suggest you to add your recommendation or fear or suggestion in the conclusion paragraph. This is because one paragraph consist of three sentences minimally. Let me show my recommendation based on your idea.

For instance :
To sum up, although the money can control the happiness in virtual people, I believe that it do not influence the happiness of people who enjoy the time with family and the time of life. Therefore I would suggest for busy workers to provide pastime for their relatives.

dear writer, allow me to give little opinion

I have read you conclusion
In conclusion, although the money can control ...

first, you might be miss that it should be put with does :)

second, allow me to give little option. may be you may write
All in all, it can be seen that, although ...................................................

keep writing :)